6 skills found
SOYJUN / FTP Implement Based On UDPThe aim of this assignment is to have you do UDP socket client / server programming with a focus on two broad aspects : Setting up the exchange between the client and server in a secure way despite the lack of a formal connection (as in TCP) between the two, so that ‘outsider’ UDP datagrams (broadcast, multicast, unicast - fortuitously or maliciously) cannot intrude on the communication. Introducing application-layer protocol data-transmission reliability, flow control and congestion control in the client and server using TCP-like ARQ sliding window mechanisms. The second item above is much more of a challenge to implement than the first, though neither is particularly trivial. But they are not tightly interdependent; each can be worked on separately at first and then integrated together at a later stage. Apart from the material in Chapters 8, 14 & 22 (especially Sections 22.5 - 22.7), and the experience you gained from the preceding assignment, you will also need to refer to the following : ioctl function (Chapter 17). get_ifi_info function (Section 17.6, Chapter 17). This function will be used by the server code to discover its node’s network interfaces so that it can bind all its interface IP addresses (see Section 22.6). ‘Race’ conditions (Section 20.5, Chapter 20) You also need a thorough understanding of how the TCP protocol implements reliable data transfer, flow control and congestion control. Chapters 17- 24 of TCP/IP Illustrated, Volume 1 by W. Richard Stevens gives a good overview of TCP. Though somewhat dated for some things (it was published in 1994), it remains, overall, a good basic reference. Overview This assignment asks you to implement a primitive file transfer protocol for Unix platforms, based on UDP, and with TCP-like reliability added to the transfer operation using timeouts and sliding-window mechanisms, and implementing flow and congestion control. The server is a concurrent server which can handle multiple clients simultaneously. A client gives the server the name of a file. The server forks off a child which reads directly from the file and transfers the contents over to the client using UDP datagrams. The client prints out the file contents as they come in, in order, with nothing missing and with no duplication of content, directly on to stdout (via the receiver sliding window, of course, but with no other intermediate buffering). The file to be transferred can be of arbitrary length, but its contents are always straightforward ascii text. As an aside let me mention that assuming the file contents ascii is not as restrictive as it sounds. We can always pretend, for example, that binary files are base64 encoded (“ASCII armor”). A real file transfer protocol would, of course, have to worry about transferring files between heterogeneous platforms with different file structure conventions and semantics. The sender would first have to transform the file into a platform-independent, protocol-defined, format (using, say, ASN.1, or some such standard), and the receiver would have to transform the received file into its platform’s native file format. This kind of thing can be fairly time consuming, and is certainly very tedious, to implement, with little educational value - it is not part of this assignment. Arguments for the server You should provide the server with an input file server.in from which it reads the following information, in the order shown, one item per line : Well-known port number for server. Maximum sending sliding-window size (in datagram units). You will not be handing in your server.in file. We shall create our own when we come to test your code. So it is important that you stick strictly to the file name and content conventions specified above. The same applies to the client.in input file below. Arguments for the client The client is to be provided with an input file client.in from which it reads the following information, in the order shown, one item per line : IP address of server (not the hostname). Well-known port number of server. filename to be transferred. Receiving sliding-window size (in datagram units). Random generator seed value. Probability p of datagram loss. This should be a real number in the range [ 0.0 , 1.0 ] (value 0.0 means no loss occurs; value 1.0 means all datagrams all lost). The mean µ, in milliseconds, for an exponential distribution controlling the rate at which the client reads received datagram payloads from its receive buffer. Operation Server starts up and reads its arguments from file server.in. As we shall see, when a client communicates with the server, the server will want to know what IP address that client is using to identify the server (i.e. , the destination IP address in the incoming datagram). Normally, this can be done relatively straightforwardly using the IP_RECVDESTADDR socket option, and picking up the information using the ancillary data (‘control information’) capability of the recvmsg function. Unfortunately, Solaris 2.10 does not support the IP_RECVDESTADDR option (nor, incidentally, does it support the msg_flags option in msghdr - see p.390). This considerably complicates things. In the absence of IP_RECVDESTADDR, what the server has to do as part of its initialization phase is to bind each IP address it has (and, simultaneously, its well-known port number, which it has read in from server.in) to a separate UDP socket. The code in Section 22.6, which uses the get_ifi_info function, shows you how to do that. However, there are important differences between that code and the version you want to implement. The code of Section 22.6 binds the IP addresses and forks off a child for each address that is bound to. We do not want to do that. Instead you should have an array of socket descriptors. For each IP address, create a new socket and bind the address (and well-known port number) to the socket without forking off child processes. Creating child processes comes later, when clients arrive. The code of Section 22.6 also attempts to bind broadcast addresses. We do not want to do this. It binds a wildcard IP address, which we certainly do not want to do either. We should bind strictly only unicast addresses (including the loopback address). The get_ifi_info function (which the code in Section 22.6 uses) has to be modified so that it also gets the network masks for the IP addresses of the node, and adds these to the information stored in the linked list of ifi_info structures (see Figure 17.5, p.471) it produces. As you go binding each IP address to a distinct socket, it will be useful for later processing to build your own array of structures, where a structure element records the following information for each socket : sockfd IP address bound to the socket network mask for the IP address subnet address (obtained by doing a bit-wise and between the IP address and its network mask) Report, in a ReadMe file which you hand in with your code, on the modifications you had to introduce to ensure that only unicast addresses are bound, and on your implementation of the array of structures described above. You should print out on stdout, with an appropriate message and appropriately formatted in dotted decimal notation, the IP address, network mask, and subnet address for each socket in your array of structures (you do not need to print the sockfd). The server now uses select to monitor the sockets it has created for incoming datagrams. When it returns from select, it must use recvfrom or recvmsg to read the incoming datagram (see 6. below). When a client starts, it first reads its arguments from the file client.in. The client checks if the server host is ‘local’ to its (extended) Ethernet. If so, all its communication to the server is to occur as MSG_DONTROUTE (or SO_DONTROUTE socket option). It determines if the server host is ‘local’ as follows. The first thing the client should do is to use the modified get_ifi_info function to obtain all of its IP addresses and associated network masks. Print out on stdout, in dotted decimal notation and with an appropriate message, the IP addresses and network masks obtained. In the following, IPserver designates the IP address the client will use to identify the server, and IPclient designates the IP address the client will choose to identify itself. The client checks whether the server is on the same host. If so, it should use the loopback address 127.0.0.1 for the server (i.e. , IPserver = 127.0.0.1). IPclient should also be set to the loopback address. Otherwise it proceeds as follows: IPserver is set to the IP address for the server in the client.in file. Given IPserver and the (unicast) IP addresses and network masks for the client returned by get_ifi_info in the linked list of ifi_info structures, you should be able to figure out if the server node is ‘local’ or not. This will be discussed in class; but let me just remind you here that you should use ‘longest prefix matching’ where applicable. If there are multiple client addresses, and the server host is ‘local’, the client chooses an IP address for itself, IPclient, which matches up as ‘local’ according to your examination above. If the server host is not ‘local’, then IPclient can be chosen arbitrarily. Print out on stdout the results of your examination, as to whether the server host is ‘local’ or not, as well as the IPclient and IPserver addresses selected. Note that this manner of determining whether the server is local or not is somewhat clumsy and ‘over-engineered’, and, as such, should be viewed more in the nature of a pedagogical exercise. Ideally, we would like to look up the server IP address(es) in the routing table (see Section 18.3). This requires that a routing socket be created, for which we need superuser privilege. Alternatively, we might want to dump out the routing table, using the sysctl function for example (see Section 18.4), and examine it directly. Unfortunately, Solaris 2.10 does not support sysctl. Furthermore, note that there is a slight problem with the address 130.245.1.123/24 assigned to compserv3 (see rightmost column of file hosts, and note that this particular compserv3 address “overlaps” with the 130.245.1.x/28 addresses in that same column assigned to compserv1, compserv2 & comserv4). In particular, if the client is running on compserv3 and the server on any of the other three compservs, and if that server node is also being identified to the client by its /28 (rather than its /24) address, then the client will get a “false positive” when it tests as to whether the server node is local or not. In other words, the client will deem the server node to be local, whereas in fact it should not be considered local. Because of this, it is perhaps best simply not to use compserv3 to run the client (but it is o.k. to use it to run the server). Finally, using MSG_DONTROUTE where possible would seem to gain us efficiency, in as much as the kernel does not need to consult the routing table for every datagram sent. But, in fact, that is not so. Recall that one effect of connect with UDP sockets is that routing information is obtained by the kernel at the time the connect is issued. That information is cached and used for subsequent sends from the connected socket (see p.255). The client now creates a UDP socket and calls bind on IPclient, with 0 as the port number. This will cause the kernel to bind an ephemeral port to the socket. After the bind, use the getsockname function (Section 4.10) to obtain IPclient and the ephemeral port number that has been assigned to the socket, and print that information out on stdout, with an appropriate message and appropriately formatted. The client connects its socket to IPserver and the well-known port number of the server. After the connect, use the getpeername function (Section 4.10) to obtain IPserver and the well-known port number of the server, and print that information out on stdout, with an appropriate message and appropriately formatted. The client sends a datagram to the server giving the filename for the transfer. This send needs to be backed up by a timeout in case the datagram is lost. Note that the incoming datagram from the client will be delivered to the server at the socket to which the destination IP address that the datagram is carrying has been bound. Thus, the server can obtain that address (it is, of course, IPserver) and thereby achieve what IP_RECVDESTADDR would have given us had it been available. Furthermore, the server process can obtain the IP address (this will, of course, be IPclient) and ephemeral port number of the client through the recvfrom or recvmsg functions. The server forks off a child process to handle the client. The server parent process goes back to the select to listen for new clients. Hereafter, and unless otherwise stated, whenever we refer to the ‘server’, we mean the server child process handling the client’s file transfer, not the server parent process. Typically, the first thing the server child would be expected to do is to close all sockets it ‘inherits’ from its parent. However, this is not the case with us. The server child does indeed close the sockets it inherited, but not the socket on which the client request arrived. It leaves that socket open for now. Call this socket the ‘listening’ socket. The server (child) then checks if the client host is local to its (extended) Ethernet. If so, all its communication to the client is to occur as MSG_DONTROUTE (or SO_DONTROUTE socket option). If IPserver (obtained in 5. above) is the loopback address, then we are done. Otherwise, the server has to proceed with the following step. Use the array of structures you built in 1. above, together with the addresses IPserver and IPclient to determine if the client is ‘local’. Print out on stdout the results of your examination, as to whether the client host is ‘local’ or not. The server (child) creates a UDP socket to handle file transfer to the client. Call this socket the ‘connection’ socket. It binds the socket to IPserver, with port number 0 so that its kernel assigns an ephemeral port. After the bind, use the getsockname function (Section 4.10) to obtain IPserver and the ephemeral port number that has been assigned to the socket, and print that information out on stdout, with an appropriate message and appropriately formatted. The server then connects this ‘connection’ socket to the client’s IPclient and ephemeral port number. The server now sends the client a datagram, in which it passes it the ephemeral port number of its ‘connection’ socket as the data payload of the datagram. This datagram is sent using the ‘listening’ socket inherited from its parent, otherwise the client (whose socket is connected to the server’s ‘listening’ socket at the latter’s well-known port number) will reject it. This datagram must be backed up by the ARQ mechanism, and retransmitted in the event of loss. Note that if this datagram is indeed lost, the client might well time out and retransmit its original request message (the one carrying the file name). In this event, you must somehow ensure that the parent server does not mistake this retransmitted request for a new client coming in, and spawn off yet another child to handle it. How do you do that? It is potentially more involved than it might seem. I will be discussing this in class, as well as ‘race’ conditions that could potentially arise, depending on how you code the mechanisms I present. When the client receives the datagram carrying the ephemeral port number of the server’s ‘connection’ socket, it reconnects its socket to the server’s ‘connection’ socket, using IPserver and the ephemeral port number received in the datagram (see p.254). It now uses this reconnected socket to send the server an acknowledgment. Note that this implies that, in the event of the server timing out, it should retransmit two copies of its ‘ephemeral port number’ message, one on its ‘listening’ socket and the other on its ‘connection’ socket (why?). When the server receives the acknowledgment, it closes the ‘listening’ socket it inherited from its parent. The server can now commence the file transfer through its ‘connection’ socket. The net effect of all these binds and connects at server and client is that no ‘outsider’ UDP datagram (broadcast, multicast, unicast - fortuitously or maliciously) can now intrude on the communication between server and client. Starting with the first datagram sent out, the client behaves as follows. Whenever a datagram arrives, or an ACK is about to be sent out (or, indeed, the initial datagram to the server giving the filename for the transfer), the client uses some random number generator function random() (initialized by the client.in argument value seed) to decide with probability p (another client.in argument value) if the datagram or ACK should be discarded by way of simulating transmission loss across the network. (I will briefly discuss in class how you do this.) Adding reliability to UDP The mechanisms you are to implement are based on TCP Reno. These include : Reliable data transmission using ARQ sliding-windows, with Fast Retransmit. Flow control via receiver window advertisements. Congestion control that implements : SlowStart Congestion Avoidance (‘Additive-Increase/Multiplicative Decrease’ – AIMD) Fast Recovery (but without the window-inflation aspect of Fast Recovery) Only some, and by no means all, of the details for these are covered below. The rest will be presented in class, especially those concerning flow control and TCP Reno’s congestion control mechanisms in general : Slow Start, Congestion Avoidance, Fast Retransmit and Fast Recovery. Implement a timeout mechanism on the sender (server) side. This is available to you from Stevens, Section 22.5 . Note, however, that you will need to modify the basic driving mechanism of Figure 22.7 appropriately since the situation at the sender side is not a repetitive cycle of send-receive, but rather a straightforward progression of send-send-send-send- . . . . . . . . . . . Also, modify the RTT and RTO mechanisms of Section 22.5 as specified below. I will be discussing the details of these modifications and the reasons for them in class. Modify function rtt_stop (Fig. 22.13) so that it uses integer arithmetic rather than floating point. This will entail your also having to modify some of the variable and function parameter declarations throughout Section 22.5 from float to int, as appropriate. In the unprrt.h header file (Fig. 22.10) set : RTT_RXTMIN to 1000 msec. (1 sec. instead of the current value 3 sec.) RTT_RXTMAX to 3000 msec. (3 sec. instead of the current value 60 sec.) RTT_MAXNREXMT to 12 (instead of the current value 3) In function rtt_timeout (Fig. 22.14), after doubling the RTO in line 86, pass its value through the function rtt_minmax of Fig. 22.11 (somewhat along the lines of what is done in line 77 of rtt_stop, Fig. 22.13). Finally, note that with the modification to integer calculation of the smoothed RTT and its variation, and given the small RTT values you will experience on the cs / sbpub network, these calculations should probably now be done on a millisecond or even microsecond scale (rather than in seconds, as is the case with Stevens’ code). Otherwise, small measured RTTs could show up as 0 on a scale of seconds, yielding a negative result when we subtract the smoothed RTT from the measured RTT (line 72 of rtt_stop, Fig. 22.13). Report the details of your modifications to the code of Section 22.5 in the ReadMe file which you hand in with your code. We need to have a sender sliding window mechanism for the retransmission of lost datagrams; and a receiver sliding window in order to ensure correct sequencing of received file contents, and some measure of flow control. You should implement something based on TCP Reno’s mechanisms, with cumulative acknowledgments, receiver window advertisements, and a congestion control mechanism I will explain in detail in class. For a reference on TCP’s mechanisms generally, see W. Richard Stevens, TCP/IP Illustrated, Volume 1 , especially Sections 20.2 - 20.4 of Chapter 20 , and Sections 21.1 - 21.8 of Chapter 21 . Bear in mind that our sequence numbers should count datagrams, not bytes as in TCP. Remember that the sender and receiver window sizes have to be set according to the argument values in client.in and server.in, respectively. Whenever the sender window becomes full and so ‘locks’, the server should print out a message to that effect on stdout. Similarly, whenever the receiver window ‘locks’, the client should print out a message on stdout. Be aware of the potential for deadlock when the receiver window ‘locks’. This situation is handled by having the receiver process send a duplicate ACK which acts as a window update when its window opens again (see Figure 20.3 and the discussion about it in TCP/IP Illustrated). However, this is not enough, because ACKs are not backed up by a timeout mechanism in the event they are lost. So we will also need to implement a persist timer driving window probes in the sender process (see Sections 22.1 & 22.2 in Chapter 22 of TCP/IP Illustrated). Note that you do not have to worry about the Silly Window Syndrome discussed in Section 22.3 of TCP/IP Illustrated since the receiver process consumes ‘full sized’ 512-byte messages from the receiver buffer (see 3. below). Report on the details of the ARQ mechanism you implemented in the ReadMe file you hand in. Indeed, you should report on all the TCP mechanisms you implemented in the ReadMe file, both the ones discussed here, and the ones I will be discussing in class. Make your datagram payload a fixed 512 bytes, inclusive of the file transfer protocol header (which must, at the very least, carry: the sequence number of the datagram; ACKs; and advertised window notifications). The client reads the file contents in its receive buffer and prints them out on stdout using a separate thread. This thread sits in a repetitive loop till all the file contents have been printed out, doing the following. It samples from an exponential distribution with mean µ milliseconds (read from the client.in file), sleeps for that number of milliseconds; wakes up to read and print all in-order file contents available in the receive buffer at that point; samples again from the exponential distribution; sleeps; and so on. The formula -1 × µ × ln( random( ) ) , where ln is the natural logarithm, yields variates from an exponential distribution with mean µ, based on the uniformly-distributed variates over ( 0 , 1 ) returned by random(). Note that you will need to implement some sort of mutual exclusion/semaphore mechanism on the client side so that the thread that sleeps and wakes up to consume from the receive buffer is not updating the state variables of the buffer at the same time as the main thread reading from the socket and depositing into the buffer is doing the same. Furthermore, we need to ensure that the main thread does not effectively monopolize the semaphore (and thus lock out for prolonged periods of time) the sleeping thread when the latter wakes up. See the textbook, Section 26.7, ‘Mutexes: Mutual Exclusion’, pp.697-701. You might also find Section 26.8, ‘Condition Variables’, pp.701-705, useful. You will need to devise some way by which the sender can notify the receiver when it has sent the last datagram of the file transfer, without the receiver mistaking that EOF marker as part of the file contents. (Also, note that the last data segment could be a “short” segment of less than 512 bytes – your client needs to be able to handle this correctly somehow.) When the sender receives an ACK for the last datagram of the transfer, the (child) server terminates. The parent server has to take care of cleaning up zombie children. Note that if we want a clean closing, the client process cannot simply terminate when the receiver ACKs the last datagram. This ACK could be lost, which would leave the (child) server process ‘hanging’, timing out, and retransmitting the last datagram. TCP attempts to deal with this problem by means of the TIME_WAIT state. You should have your receiver process behave similarly, sticking around in something akin to a TIME_WAIT state in case in case it needs to retransmit the ACK. In the ReadMe file you hand in, report on how you dealt with the issues raised here: sender notifying receiver of the last datagram, clean closing, and so on. Output Some of the output required from your program has been described in the section Operation above. I expect you to provide further output – clear, well-structured, well-laid-out, concise but sufficient and helpful – in the client and server windows by means of which we can trace the correct evolution of your TCP’s behaviour in all its intricacies : information (e.g., sequence number) on datagrams and acks sent and dropped, window advertisements, datagram retransmissions (and why : dup acks or RTO); entering/exiting Slow Start and Congestion Avoidance, ssthresh and cwnd values; sender and receiver windows locking/unlocking; etc., etc. . . . . The onus is on you to convince us that the TCP mechanisms you implemented are working correctly. Too many students do not put sufficient thought, creative imagination, time or effort into this. It is not the TA’s nor my responsibility to sit staring at an essentially blank screen, trying to summon up our paranormal psychology skills to figure out if your TCP implementation is really working correctly in all its very intricate aspects, simply because the transferred file seems to be printing o.k. in the client window. Nor is it our responsibility to strain our eyes and our patience wading through a mountain of obscure, ill-structured, hyper-messy, debugging-style output because, for example, your effort-conserving concept of what is ‘suitable’ is to dump your debugging output on us, relevant, irrelevant, and everything in between.
rprokap / EntremanureOnce upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END
Offensive-Panda / D3MPSEC"D3MPSEC" is a memory dumping tool designed to extract memory dump from Lsass process using various techniques, including direct system calls, randomized procedures, and prototype name obfuscation. Its primary purpose is to bypass both static and dynamic analysis techniques commonly employed by security measures.
Nikkitaseth / ProjectAlphaPYTHON CODE WALKTHROUGH Data Sourcing In order to run a discounted cash flow model (DCF), I needed data, so I found a free API that provided us with everything I needed. I wrote a code that saved every financial statement of every company in a separate text file. In this code, I asked to ping the API’s URL for every ticker, open a text file for one of the financial statements for one company ticker, dump all the data found by the code into this file, and close it. This process was repeated for every company in our company list and every statement I have a code for. By doing so I Ire able to store the data for every company locally and did not need to ping the API every time I ran our code. Once all the financial data for each company was stored in form of a balance sheet, income statement, cash flow statement, and company profile text file, I needed to pick out specific items required for our DCF model. Thus, I defined the functions that selected all required items from the respective financial statements of each company and assigned them to a variable using utils.py. Discounted Cash Flow Model First of all, I needed to import the functions I defined in utils.py before defining the DCF model function, which would run for every company in our list. Next, I ensured to have 5 consecutive years of past data to compute the average. Thus, the first few lines of code checked whether the last year on record was 2019 from which point I would go back 5 years; if the last year was 2018, this would be taken as the first data entry from which I would go back 5 years. The second part mentioned above is important because companies file their 10-K, i.e. their annual report, at different times throughout the year so there may be companies that already filed their reports while others had not. After this step, five-year averages of every item’s percentage of revenue Ire calculated as Ill as the average revenue growth over the same period. These items included EBIT, depreciation & amortization, capital expenditures, and the change in net working capital. Once that was done, there Ire only three variables missing before calculating free cash flows for the next few years: a discount or hurdle rate; industry-specific perpetual growth rates; and a tax rate. After these three variables Ire set up, the next step was to calculate the free cash flows to the firm (fcff) for the next 5 years and determine the terminal value at the end of the period using the growth rate for the corresponding industry. For the former, I use a loop to calculate the fcff for all the year, discount it, and add it to one variable called fcffpv. Once the terminal value was calculated, these two additional numbers captured the enterprise value of the firm. Since I Ire interested in the equity value, I subtracted debt and add cash, which left us with the equity value. In one final step, I divided this value by the number of shares to end up with an intrinsic value per share. After calculating the intrinsic value per share, I compared it to the current share price with two additions. First, I added a buffer to minimize our downside risk for inaccuracy in calculations, which is called the margin of safety. Here, the intrinsic value should at least be 115% of the current share price. I also set an upper limit at 130% to ensure I would not include companies with extraordinarily high valuations, compared to their current price. If the share price calculated fell within this window, I added its ticker to a dataframe, which was the last step in the function. As such, the DCF function would run for every company and provide a dataframe with the tickers of all those companies that Ire undervalued at the time and fell within the 115% - 130% range. Portfolio Optimization The dataframe with the tickers of all the undervalued companies that was previously created has now become the portfolio, which I converted into a list and used as the source for further optimization that is about to come. Some general inputs for the rest of the code Ire the start and end date of the data I requested for optimization, as Ill as the risk-free rate and the number of simulations I wanted to run our optimizations for. Now that the general framework has been created, it is time to choose some conditioning variables to measure the performance of investment in one sector or across a combination of some/all sectors, respectively. Project Alpha uses the following conditioning variables to optimize its portfolios: • Sharpe Ratio: It measures the performance of an investment compared to the risk-free asset, i.e. the 10-year Treasury Bond, after adjusting for its risk factor or standard deviation. The Sharpe ratio would be given a higher Iight for investors who have a higher risk tolerance. In terms of code, I used the bt package to retrieve the data betIen the predetermined start and end date for the companies in our ticker list. This data was then used to find the portfolio with the highest Sharpe ratio. For that, random Iights Ire assigned to each company and the ratio was computed. After running the number of simulations previously determined, the Iights with the highest Sharpe ratio will be located using loc() and labeled ‘sharpe_portfolio’ which is a dataframe containing the excess return, the volatility, Sharpe ratio, as Ill as the Iights for every company. I also located the portfolio with the loIst volatility, put it in a dataframe called ‘min_volatility_port’ which has the same attributes. The rest of the code of this segment simply created a picture with all the portfolios generated, displaying the efficient frontier and highlighting the portfolio with the highest Sharpe ratio and loIst volatility. • Value at Risk (VaR): VaR was chosen as a diagnostic tool to assess the model. In our case, it basically indicated the percentage of time in which a loss greater than 1% would occur over a period of 5 years. Its limitation is that although it measures how bad the best of the bad is, it does not measure how bad it can get, meaning the worst of the worst. In regards to the code, I first requested the adjusted closing for the companies in our ticker list in the determined time horizon. I then retrieved the Iights from our Sharpe portfolio, set the number of days I wanted to simulate as Ill as the cutoff, before calculating the returns of every company in every period; here: daily. Thereafter, I created a new variable called ‘sigma’, which was be a copy of our return variable, in order to ensure the right format and type for our Monte Carlo loop. The simulation is pretty straight forward, as it measures how many runs the returns fall within 1% or outside of it. I then Iighed the resulting returns by the Iight of the company in the portfolio and whenever the portfolio return was outside the set boundary, it would count as a ‘bad simulation’. Once that is done, the number of bad simulations was divided by the total number of simulations to end up with a percentage of how many simulations were bad, which equals our VaR • Treynor Ratio: For the investors that already have a perfectly diversified portfolio and would like to add more assets to it, there would be a higher Iight on the Treynor ratio. It basically uses beta as a risk factor because it carries the risk relative to the market, instead of standard deviation as in Sharpe, meaning only systematic or non-diversifiable risk. For the code, I first calculated the portfolio’s beta. For that, I defined a function ‘beta’ that reads the beta of every company and returns it. The next step is to run a loop that would enter the beta of every company in our ticker list into a new dataframe. After setting the index equal to the tickers and transposing the Sharpe portfolio Iights, I can concat the two thus resulting in two columns: one is the beta of every company and the second is the corresponding Iight in the portfolio. I then created a third column as the product of columns one and two. The sum of all entries in that column is the portfolio beta, which was then used as the denominator for the ratio. The nominator was already calculated as ‘Excess Return’ in the Sharpe portfolio. • Sortino Ratio: The Sortino ratio measures only the downside risk (downside deviation or semi-deviation) by measuring returns against a minimum acceptable return, 𝜏. It is surprising to know that most of the industry ignores the total number of periods taken and just calculates the downside deviation by choosing the periods with downside risk, which results in misleading results. Project Alpha uses all the periods to calculate the same, so as to have an advantage over those robo-advisors/financial advisors that do not follow this process. The alpha in the future would be generated by going long on companies with high correct Sortino and low incorrect Sortino as they are undervalued, and shorting those with low correct Sortino and high incorrect Sortino as these are overvalued. The Sortino ratio would be given more Iight for investors who are more risk averse. This part of the code started with retrieving the data for our benchmark, the S&P 500, for the period and the calculating the average daily and annual return. After that, I calculate the portfolio returns, ‘returns[“Returns”]’, by adding the products of every company’s Iight times its return, which gave us the portfolio return for every period. From here, I calculated the downside risk by comparing the portfolio return in every period to the daily average return of our benchmark in a for loop. Before I did that, I defined a new variable called ‘semi’, which is a data series and will be filled with whatever comes out of the loop every single time. If the portfolio return minus the average daily return of the benchmark was greater than 0 – meaning the portfolio earned more than the average of the S&P500 – the value for the period was set to 0 and added to the semi data series. If it is 0, which is extremely unlikely, but whatever, it would also be 0. If it is less than 0, hoIver, which indicates underperformance, I would square the portfolio return, which already gives us the semi variance I need for our next step. From here, I can simply take the square root of the average of the ‘semi’ data series to get the daily downside risk and multiplying it by the square root of 252, which gives us the annual number. After that, I have all the numbers to calculate the Sortino ratio. • Information Ratio: The information ratio measures the portfolio returns compared to the returns of a benchmark index, i.e. S&P500, after adjusting for its additional risk. It only looks at the excess return of the portfolio over the benchmark and the volatility or risk associated with it. I already have all the inputs I need to calculate his ratio. Thus, I simply created a new dataframe with the portfolio returns of every period and the benchmark returns of every period. To find the excess return, i.e. the nominator, I simply subtracted the latter from the former and assigned it to a new variable, which I called ‘excess_return’. The nominator would be the average return of the portfolio minus the average return of the benchmark, and the denominator would be the standard deviation of the ‘excess_return’ series. Finally, I printed short sentences with the results for every conditioning variable just described as an output in the console.
brunocampos01 / PyssasBuild and deploy automated to SQL Server Analysis Services (SSAS) with Python.
Y4nN0xX / Argus Anticheat For Minecraft 1.7.10 By YannoxwareHello, My name is Yannox aka Y4nN0xX at Yannoxware , a developpement game company. The source code of a part of my anticheat, private and stolen by the person submited the complain , after this person infected my pc he dumped the source code claiming its is source code , i dev all the code and make it public to avoid selling it and scamming people under my back and remember that it's my code and that he got it in an unauthorized way saying it's his All code was stolen by this person and is for public after my release All code in Y4nN0xX/Argus-Anticheat-minecraft-1.7.10-Paladium repository repository is public and created by me We thank you for taking the necessary measures on your side concerning the reupload of the deposit in question as well as a banishment of the person who opened a dmca moreover a complaint will be filed with github for abusive deletion my lawyer and the police will take care to recover the identity of the person who asked to delete my code
