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krasimir / KukerKick-ass browser extension to debug your apps
bchavez / RethinkDb.Driver:headphones: A NoSQL C#/.NET RethinkDB database driver with 100% ReQL API coverage.
homebysix / Recipe RobotA kick ass tool for creating AutoPkg recipes.
rprokap / Pset 9CREDITS SEQUENCE NEWSPAPER HEADLINE MONTAGE: HEADLINES flash before us, displaying their accompanying photographs. "UBERMAN - METRO CITY'S HERO AFTER DEFEATING MASTER MIND! PHOTO: A chiseled, statuesque man wearing the COOLEST SUPER HERO SUIT IMAGINABLE, COMPLETE WITH FLOWING CAPE, shines a confident smile at the lens. This is UBERMAN, champion of METRO CITY. "UBERMAN DEFEATS MASTER MIND'S GIANT ROBOT!" PHOTO: Wide-shot of Uberman in mid-flight lifting the GIANT ROBOT in the sky above the city buildings. "MASTER MIND ALL WET AFTER UBERMAN FOILS AQUARIUM HEIST!" PHOTO: Uberman stands knee-deep in water. He has his enemy by the collar. The villain blocks his face from the shot with a METALLIC GAUNTLET. The images start to flash by even quicker, each showing the MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN in various stages of humiliation. In each photograph he successfully blocks his face with his armored glove. We ZOOM IN to the last headline. "MASTER MIND BEHIND BARS ONCE AGAIN - THANKS TO UBERMAN!" PHOTO: Uberman stands in a gallant pose with his fists on his hips, obviously trying to accentuate the "U" insignia on his chest. END OF CREDITS SEQUENCE EXT. BUILDING - DAY We DISSOLVE from the photograph to Uberman standing in the exact same position. WE PULL BACK showing him atop a BUILDING overlooking the city below. A perfect view for our guardian hero. He watches the thriving metropolis, bristling with life as people happily go about their day. Yet, we can't help but detect a hint of sadness in Uberman's expression. 2. UBERMAN You look so peaceful from up here. His serenity is suddenly interrupted by a loud BEEPING SOUND coming from his wrist. He looks down at a BRACELET (a manly one) on his right arm. It's a silver band with a FLASHING red letter "U". UBERMAN (CONT'D) Looks like Roxanne's in trouble again. Uberman leaps off the building and into the air. His cape gracefully flows in the breeze behind him as he shoots off into the distance like a speeding bullet. EXT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT Grime and moss decorate the outside of this long abandoned building overlooking the COAST. Once a place of knowledge and wonder - now home to a great evil. INT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - DAY The inside is in complete contrast to the exterior. The huge hall with a GIANT TELESCOPE teems with advanced ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT. Computers, monitors and machines which do not have an obvious function FLASH and HUM. A STEEL DOOR slides open, revealing the subject of our story MASTER MIND - a villainous sight to behold. His FACE IS INEXPLICABLY LIGHT BLUE, topped by an OVERSIZED, MUSHROOM- SHAPED HEAD with a CIRCULAR PATCH OF WHITE HAIR ON TOP. He's dressed in the kind of costume only a super villain could pull off: a PURPLE JUMPSUIT AND BLACK BOOT ENSEMBLE WITH A GIANT GREEN "M" ON THE CHEST. His right hand, hanging at his side, is a METAL GAUNTLET WITH THREE SHORT SPIKES PROTRUDING BETWEEN HIS KNUCKLES. Master Mind begins to survey the room with his TWO PERMANENTLY ARCHED EYEBROWS. A man dressed as ALBERT EINSTEIN is busy ranting to two other men. One, a hulking brute, is dressed as LEONARDO DA VINCI. The other, a small intellectual-type carrying a clip-board, is dressed as the philosopher PLATO. EINSTEIN I hate the outfits. I mean, I get it: we're all supposed to be "masterminds" - very clever. (MORE) 3. EINSTEIN(cont'd) I just feel stupid. I mean, what the hell did Einstein really do anyway? PLATO Theory of relativity. Einstein starts feverishly scratching his side. EINSTEIN Well, you'd think he'd invent a wool sweater that didn't itch so much. Da Vinci and Plato's eyes suddenly grow with concern as they see Master Mind walk up behind Einstein. Einstein notices his colleague's staring over his right shoulder and turns around. He turns around and Master Mind SEIZES HIM BY HIS THROAT with his metal gauntlet. MASTER MIND The real Einstein once said, "God does not play dice with the world." He was right, because the world is MY dice. Is that understood? DA VINCI & PLATO Sir! Yes, sir! EINSTEIN (gasping for air) Yes, sir. Master Mind undoes his grip on Einstein's throat. MASTER MIND Alright, then - clean slate. Do we have the girl? DA VINCI Yes, sir. She fell into our trap just like you knew she would. MASTER MIND Reporters are a curious lot, and easily manipulated. He quickly checks his physique in a GIANT MIRROR, adjusts his posture and sucks in his gut. 4. MASTER MIND Alright, let's not keep the lady waiting. MOMENTS LATER Da Vinci escorts a BLINDFOLDED and bound woman, ROXANNE RITCHI, to the back of the room where Plato and Einstein are standing guard over a large BLACK SWIVEL-CHAIR facing away from us. She pulls free of Da Vinci's grasp and waits for him to undo the blindfold. Her face uncovered, we finally see Roxanne's striking features - all of which seem overshadowed by piercing eyes that seem more put off by the situation than afraid of it. MASTER MIND (O.S.) Miss Ritchi, we meet again. The chair turns menacingly slow, finally revealing Master Mind. ROXANNE You didn't need to turn around like that. I can recognize the stench of failure. Master Mind unleashes a wicked laugh. MASTER MIND I trust you gentlemen know the very sassy Roxanne Ritchi, highly regarded investigative journalist who some say has a more than friendly relationship with our super powered foe Uberman. And Miss Ritchi, I trust you've already met my new crew: The Mad Geniuses! Roxanne gives Einstein a once over. ROXANNE Looks like a real group of winners. At the risk of sounding cliche', you'll never get away with this. MASTER MIND In a way, I already have. Roxanne unleashes an exhausted SIGH. 5. ROXANNE We go through this every time. You kidnap me to get to Uberman, he immediately finds your hideout, escapes whatever lame trap you've come up with, and takes you and your cronies to jail. I propose we just save everybody some heartache this time by YOU letting me go, and ME forgetting this whole thing ever happened? MASTER MIND What about my revenge? ROXANNE We can say it was wasting everyone's time. MASTER MIND You have a wicked tongue. I hope you rid yourself of that when you're my queen. Roxanne unleashes a snort-filled laugh. ROXANNE I'm sorry. What makes you think I would want to be your queen? MASTER MIND Power corrupts absolutely, Miss Ritchi. And when I have ultimate power over this city, I have absolutely every intention of corrupting you with it. PLATO Sir! Master Mind turns to Plato who's now standing at a computer terminal. MASTER MIND (annoyed) What is it!? EXT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - DAY Uberman flies toward the Observatory like a rocket. 6. INT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - DAY Uberman crashes through the wall to the room we were just in. He looks around, but there's suddenly NOT A SOUL IN SIGHT. CUT TO: EXT. MASTER MIND'S HYDROFOIL - DAY The boat is shooting through the ocean, away from the observatory. INT. HYDROFOIL CONTROL ROOM - DAY Machines, cables and terminals criss-cross the craft's main bridge. Through the enormous surrounding windows we can see the observatory shrinking in the distance. Master Mind watches Uberman on a small TV monitor as the hero intently searches his hideout. UBERMAN (on monitor) Master Mind! INT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - DAY Uberman throws up his arms in frustration when suddenly - MASTER MIND (O.S.) Over here, old friend. He turns to see a FAMILIAR BLUE FACE OF EVIL ON A GIANT SCREEN. UBERMAN What's the matter, miss your old jail cell? Uberman starts walking toward the monitor. MASTER MIND (ON MONITOR) Actually, I wanted to share the experience with my oldest friend. A MECHANIZED CAGE shoots out of the floor, suddenly trapping Metro City's protector. Totally unfazed, our hero stares on. 7. UBERMAN You can't possibly believe this will work. Master Mind pulls out a SMALL BLACK BOX with a SINGLE RED BUTTON on it. MASTER MIND (ON MONITOR) Oh, can't I? I have attained control of the Earth's most abundant energy source. I doubt even you are strong enough to withstand the FULL CONCENTRATED POWER OF THE SUN!!! He presses the button. EXT. OUTER SPACE A sinister-looking SATELLITE orbits Earth's atmosphere. Its bay doors suddenly open, deploying two huge SOLAR PANELS. The panels shift, angling themselves in the direction of the sun. They immediately start GLOWING as they absorb the burning star's power. The front of the satellite begins to make a loud HUMMING SOUND as it prepares to unleash its unholy power. INT. HYDROFOIL CONTROL ROOM - DAY From the giant window we can see the boat is a good mile from the observatory. PLATO We're now at minimum safe distance, master. Master Mind turns from the CAMERA he was broadcasting on and puts down the control box. MASTER MIND Excellent. Stop here, I like this view. PLATO Twenty seconds until impact. Master Mind turns to Roxanne who is being held by Da Vinci and Einstein. She almost appears a little bored. Disappointed by her lack of horror, he walks over to the monitor now showing Uberman trapped in the cage. 8. MASTER MIND Any last words? Uberman looks up at the screen with a cocky smile. UBERMAN (ON MONITOR) Yes: there's no caging the power of justice. PLATO Ten seconds to impact. On the screen we see Uberman take two of the cage's bars in his hands. He yanks...NOTHING. PLATO (CONT'D) Nine... Master Mind stares at the monitor, slightly confused. PLATO (CONT'D) Eight... Uberman yanks on the bars again, this time using his foot as leverage. MASTER MIND (genuinely concerned) What's going on? UBERMAN (straining) Hold...on...a second. Master Mind looks back at Plato and Einstein. They're equally befuddled at the hero's sudden weakness. PLATO Seven... Uberman loses his grip and FALLS BACKWARD ON HIS ASS. UBERMAN SON OF A BITCH!! Master Mind and the minions all cringe in unison. Da Vinci turns to Roxanne not believing his ears. DA VINCI What did he just say? 9. PLATO Six......Five... Master Mind begins to laugh. MASTER MIND What kind of trick is this? Uberman looks up at the camera with a very grave expression. UBERMAN Like you don't know. These bars are made of copper, aren't they? PLATO Four... MASTER MIND Yeah, so? Uberman tries to shield his grief with his hand. UBERMAN You figured out my weakness, damn you. I CAN'T BEND COPPER! PLATO Three... MASTER MIND Your weakness is copper? PLATO Two...one. Everyone turns to the window. EXT. OUTER SPACE The satellite fires a giant BEAM OF LIGHT toward the earth. EXT. OBSERVATORY HIDEOUT - DAY The beam hits the observatory. The building instantly EXPLODES in a white nova blast of fire. INT. HYDROFOIL CONTROL ROOM - DAY The blast is so bright everyone turns away from the window. Then, as suddenly as it began, the awesome light dies out. One by one, the passengers unshield their eyes and look out toward the observatory. 10. All we can see through the haze of destruction is fire and smoke. PLATO I don't think even he could have survived that. Einstein suddenly turns giddy with excitement. EINSTEIN Whoa! Is it me or did you just finally destroy Uberman? MASTER MIND (carefully skeptical) Well...let's not get ahead of ourselves. Da Vinci suddenly sees something outside. DA VINCI Look, there's something in the sky, coming this way. ROXANNE Uberman! Master Mind turns toward the window. An object is in the air, flying directly toward them. As it closes in we can just make out the FAMILIAR OUTLINE OF A CAPPED FIGURE. MASTER MIND I KNEW IT! PREPARE YOURSELVES! HE'S GONNA RAM US!!! Everyone scatters and braces themselves for the impact. Master Mind, seeing all the good places taken, doesn't know what to do with himself. He just covers his giant head with his hands. The figure CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW and lands at his feet. He looks down to see a CHARRED BLACK HUMAN SKELETON. Around its neck is the unmistakable black cape of Uberman. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (horrified) HOLY SHIT! 11. Roxanne breaks out of Da Vinci's hold and runs over to the body. ROXANNE Uberman? She stares down at the still smoking corpse, the tattered black cape with the yellow "U" on it. Roxanne turns to Master Mind, who's still visibly dumbfounded at the grotesque sight before him. ROXANNE (CONT'D) You killed him! Roxanne's eyes roll back. Da Vinci catches her from behind as she FAINTS. Einstein turns to Master Mind, looking at him as if he's just walked on water. EINSTEIN You did it! Now that he's committed the impossible - our villain is at a complete loss. MASTER MIND ...so I did. EINSTEIN I mean, I know you always wanted to. I mean, all the schemes all the plots - I never thought you'd actually be capable of it. Giddy as a school girl, Einstein turns to his fellow henchmen. EINSTEIN This is history. Every villain and lackey in the history of villains and lackeys dream of this moment, but when does it actually EVER happen? A sudden realization comes over his face. EINSTEIN Good lord...You do all realize what we get to do now, don't you? 12. His question is met with acquisitive looks from Master Mind and the others. EINSTEIN We get to go on a crime wave. CRIME WAVE MONTAGE - SET TO "Fun Fun Fun" by The Beach Boys. SPINNING HEADLINE: "UBERMAN'S DEATH IGNITES CITY WIDE CRIME WAVE!" ARMORED TRUCK It's driving along when the men inside suddenly notice something - THEY'RE FLYING HIGH ABOVE THE CITY STREETS. We PULL BACK to see the truck being carried by a giant claw at the bottom of a BRAIN COPTER. Inside the cockpit Master Mind and his henchmen laugh maniacally. SPINNING HEADLINE: "CHAMPION-LESS CITY AT THE MERCY OF HOOLIGANS." METRO CITY BANK Da Vinci and Einstein run out the front of the bank holding BAGS OF MONEY. Two beat officers see them and take chase after them around the corner and into an alley. After a moment the police reemerge from the alley screaming and running for their lives as a GIANT ROBOT CHASES after them. The robot stops, then suddenly it's head opens up like convertible car top with Master Mind and Plato at the driver's wheel. They smile and shake hands at a bad deed well done. SPINNING HEADLINE: "MASTER MIND BLACKMAILS METRO!!!" A VICIOUS TORNADO It's heading for downtown Metro as Master Mind and the lackeys coolly look on. Three large DUMP TRUCKS pull up, filled to the brim with bricks of CASH. 13. The DRIVERS jump out as the lackeys take the driver seats in the three trucks. Master Mind is about to climb into the passenger seat of one when a drivers taps him on the shoulder and motions toward the tornado. MASTER MIND (absentmindedly) Oh, right. Master Mind pulls a television REMOTE from his pocket and aims it at approaching windstorm of death. He presses the button marked "Tornado Off." The tornado shrinks and disappears just before it hits the city. As they drive through the city streets, Master stares out the window with a hint of something in his eyes. Is it melancholy? END OF MONTAGE EXT. KINGPIN BOWLING - DAY It's Metro City's premier bowling alley. On top of the neon lit building is a GIANT 30 FOOT TALL CEMENT BOWLING BALL. INT. KINGPIN BOWLING - DAY HAL STEWART (early 30's) takes careful aim with his BOWLING BALL. HAL It's a sport of honor, focus and grace. Honor the ball, focus on the pins, release the ball not hard and fast, but as if you were releasing a baby dove. He takes a step, pulls back his arm, and releases the ball, following it with his eyes. It's a horrible shot - INSTANT GUTTER BALL. An aged barmaid type with a cigarette hanging from her mouth looks over at him. HAL Okay, do something like that - but center it more. 14. She picks up her custom made FOGHAT BALL and takes aim. ATTRACTIVE BLOND Tell me how my form looks, honey. Hal focuses on the misshapen bumps of her enormous Johnson administration era derriere. HAL Oh, it's lookin' good. It's lookin' REAL good. It doesn't get anymore clear. This man is a pig. VINNIE (O.S.) Hal, I want to see you in my office! Hal turns to see VINNIE, owner of the bowling alley, calling him. VINNIE Now! INT. KINGPIN BOWLING - VINNIE'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Hal sits down, facing Vinnie who's sitting at his desk. VINNIE You're fired. Leave your shirt and locker key. This bit of news hits Hal like a freight train. HAL Fired? Are you going to tell me why? VINNIE Showing up to work late. Showing up to work late drunk. Sexually harassing customers. Stealing from the register. HAL Vinnie, I don't know where you're getting these accusations - Vinnie takes out a video tape from his desk drawer and puts in a VCR. 15. HAL Oh, which one do you supposedly have here? VINNIE This is all of them at once. TELEVISION A WOMAN walks up to a BOWLING EMPLOYEE and hands him a pair of shoes. As the employee turns to the wall of shoes, a very drunk and disheveled Hal comes running in and pushes him aside. HAL I've got this one, Benny. So, Cinderella. Can I help you find your glass slipper? WOMAN Yeah, I'm looking for a seven. He folds his arms on the counter and leans into her with a cat-like grin on his face. HAL (with a leer) Seven - Well, maybe I could interest you in something in an EIGHT. Namely, me. Disgusted, she walks off screen. HAL Lesbo. Suddenly realizing the register's open, he quickly grabs a stack of cash and shoves it in his pocket. BACK TO OFFICE Vinnie turns off the television and waits for Hal to respond. HAL From the angle of the camera, I can see where you might have gotten the wrong idea. Listen, Vinnie, I don't think you've thought this through. If you fire me, who's gonna be captain of the alley's bowling team? 16. VINNIE Um, I don't know. Maybe somebody who can actually bowl. You guys have never won a game. I hired you because you said you were on the pro circuit. HAL No, I said I WILL BE on the pro circuit. VINNIE Please, a loser like you will never amount to anything. This harsh remark seems to leave Hal genuinely stunned. HAL Wow...If that's how you feel...I guess we should then talk about what kind of severance I'm gonna get. EXT. KINGPIN BOWLING - DAY TWO BRUISERS open the door and throw Hal out onto the street. He quickly picks himself up and turns back toward the building. HAL Hey...what about my ball? A bowling ball sails past him, just missing his head. HAL Thank-you! EXT. CHANNEL 7 NEWS BUILDING - DAY The massive building with a giant 7 on the roof stands in the heart of Metro City. INT. CHANNEL 7 NEWS BUILDING - OFFICE - DAY The cubicles and offices are alive with the hustle and bustle of a busy news day. Phones are RINGING, REPORTERS are TALKING, and Editors are SHOUTING. The elevator doors open and out steps Roxanne Ritchi. 17. Everything stops as the entire office suddenly falls SILENT. Somewhat taken aback by the reaction, Roxanne scans the room to see every eye on her. ROXANNE It's...um...It's good to be back. Thanks for everyone's cards and concerns. I really appreciated it - now I'm ready to climb back on the horse. No one is budging - their looks of pity are really starting to make her uncomfortable. The back office door suddenly opens and out comes FRANK BONIN, the gruff, middle-aged Producer of Channel 7 News. Noticing the silence, he looks up and sees the sad expressions on everybody's face. FRANK Someone die or something? He suddenly notices Roxanne - both feet are placed firmly in his mouth. FRANK (cursing himself) Oh, Jesus. ROXANNE It's okay. Frank quickly walks up to Roxanne and takes her gently by the arm. FRANK Come on into my office, sweetie. INT. CHANNEL 7 NEWS BUILDING - FRANK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS He sits her down on his leather couch, then quickly turns toward his door. FRANK Can we get this woman some water for God's sake? (to Rebecca) I gave you two months off. What're you doing back? People are gonna think I'm a slave driver. 18. ROXANNE Aren't you? FRANK Yeah, but I don't want people to think it. ROXANNE Frank, listen. I want to go back to work. I NEED to go back to work. FRANK ...You're hysterical, aren't you? Frank sits down on the couch and blankets Roxanne with A WARM EMBRACE. ROXANNE What're you doing? FRANK Keeping you warm before you go into shock. (toward the open door) DO I HAVE SLICE OPEN A CAMEL HUMP TO GET A GLASS OF WATER AROUND HERE? A SECRETARY quickly enters with a bottled water. She sets it on the table in front of them and leaves. Roxanne pulls herself out of Frank's grasp and stands up to face him. ROXANNE It was a traumatic experience. Yes, everyone knows Uberman and me were...close. But what I really need - what would really make me better is getting back to work. There's a sudden awkward silence from Frank. FRANK Well, that's going to be... ROXANNE I thought you'd be happy to have me back. 19. FRANK Oh, we are. Honey, nothing makes us happier than to have our girl back, but... ROXANNE Yes? FRANK Things have sorta...changed. ROXANNE In three weeks? FRANK Listen, I'm not one who likes to open up wounds - especially ones that are just starting to scab, but you were sorta our go to girl for the exclusive on Uberman. And now that he's gone...I moved Brad into your anchor spot. ROXANNE (disgusted) Brad? Brad Helms? The man is an idiot. FRANK It's the suits. They think it's time to switch things up. ROXANNE Oh, because they can't use me to get the big story. FRANK C'mon, Roxie. Using is in the nature of what we do. They used you, you used Uberman. Everybody's happy. ROXANNE (defensive) I didn't use him. FRANK Oh, I didn't mean that. I know you two were in love or something. My bad. ROXANNE We were. 20. FRANK And that's great. ROXANNE Very in love. There's a hind of self-doubt in Roxanne's expression, as if she's failed to convince even herself of this. ROXANNE Okay. So, where are they going to move me if Brad has my spot? FRANK ...Human interest. ROXANNE Bake sales and pet stories. FRANK I told them I wouldn't be surprised if you just upped and quit. You busted your ass for that desk. Roxanne can hardly get it out - she's busy swallowing her pride ROXANNE I'll take it. Frank looks up at her, not believing what he's hearing. FRANK What? EXT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT Amongst the jungle of high rises, one small building stands out from the rest - A tiny, forgotten piece of 19th century Gothic architecture. LIGHTENING FLASHES, revealing TWO CONCRETE GARGOYLES holding a cracked plaque, reading: METRO CITY LIBRARY. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT A mixture of old and new. Dusty Victorian furniture and dilapidated bookshelves sit side by side with pristinely futuristic machinery. The building has been converted into Master Mind's new SECRET LAIR. 21. In the center of the main room is a three storey tall GLOWING BLUE ORB. At the base of it is a sign that reads "Reactor - Don't Touch." We PAN OVER to the READING ROOM where Master Mind is sitting on a couch watching TELEVISION. REPORTER ON TELEVISION (O.S.) It's been nearly six weeks, and still no word on the whereabouts of billionaire playboy, and philanthropist, Wayne Scott. Tune in at 11:00 as we look into what has become Metro City's biggest mystery. TELEVISION NARRATOR (O.S.) We now return to "The Hero of our Hearts: The Uberman story." Einstein and Plato come into the room holding a BAG OF LOOT. EINSTEIN Just robbed the diamond exchange. MASTER MIND (feigning pleasure) Great, great. Put it on the pile. Einstein tosses it on a LARGE PILE of purloined valuables in the corner of the room. EINSTEIN Anything else today? MASTER MIND No. Master Mind turns his attention back to the screen. Plato sees that Master Mind is in a funk and tries to snap him out of it. PLATO (cheerfully) Sir, the new reactor is installed. Plato nods to the giant orb. PLATO Do you want to throw the switch? I know how you love to start reactors. 22. MASTER MIND Maybe later. Einstein gives Master Mind a funny look then exchanges glances with Plato before leaving the two of them alone. Without turning away from the TV, Master Mind addresses Plato. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) What is it, Plato? PLATO (nervously) Sir, I can't help but notice that you've been...a little down lately. MASTER MIND When I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you. PLATO Yes, sir, I know, but please forgive my impertinence. It's just that you seem to have lost your lust for our profession. You've stopped going on jobs and spend most of your time watching Uberman specials. Master Mind relaxes slightly and turns to face the window in a classically contemplative pose. After an overdramatic beat... MASTER MIND I have defeated my greatest enemy. I have free reign over Metro City. I have more wealth than a thousand Sultans. I've achieved all I have worked for...so why am I so unhappy? He walks over to a PAINTED PORTRAIT that looks almost exactly like him, except slightly older, maybe meaner - MASTER MIND'S FATHER. MASTER MIND I mean, my father, god rest his evil and tormented soul, raised me straight from the test tube to be a symbol of evil. (MORE) 23. MASTER MIND(cont'd) And, I have accomplished something he had only dreamed about - the destruction of Metro City's champion. I tell you, I've always lived with this unquenchable thirst. I thought it was to make him proud or to get absolute power. But now that I've pretty much accomplished both, I am at a loss. PLATO ...I sort of have a theory about all that. MASTER MIND (snippy) Oh, really? PLATO Well, for one thing, maybe Uberman was more important to you than you thought. MASTER MIND He was a worthy rival. Sometimes I wonder, did he consider me his evil equal or was I just an annoying, little gnat to him? ...What's the second part? PLATO I think you sort of have a thing for Roxanne Ritchi. Master Mind quickly takes his lackey by the throat. MASTER MIND YOU WORM! HOW DARE YOU! WHERE WOULD YOU GET SUCH A NOTION? PLATO Sir, your plans always involve Ms. Ritchi either being kidnapped or placed in danger. If that's not love, I don't know what is. It's the grown up equivalent of dipping her pigtails in the ink well. Don't you see? She's the one treasure that's always escaped you. From Master Mind's expression, we see Plato's words beginning to ring true. 24. INT. RESTURAUNT - DAY Roxanne is having lunch with several girlfriends sitting around her, gabbing. FRIEND #1 I can't believe you came back so soon. FRIEND #2 Are you sure it's not TOO SOON, honey? ROXANNE I just wanted to get back to work. FRIEND #3 What we need to do is get you back on the saddle...the love saddle. Friend 1 and 2 give 3 disapproving looks. FRIEND #3 It's been three weeks. FRIEND #2 She just lost the love of her life, Grace. A WAITER comes by with a tray of CAESAR SALADS and begins setting them out for the ladies. ROXANNE I keep trying to tell people it wasn't really like that. Uberman and I - We were kinda having problems. We broke up. The waiter ALMOST DROPS HIS TRAY AT THIS. The women are too shocked by Roxanne's revelation to notice. FRIEND #1 You broke up with Uberman! FRIEND #3 You must have REALLY, REALLY high standards. I mean, you were dating a god. I mean, what's it take? ROXANNE Maybe someone who's a little more aware of his faults. Someone a little more sensitive. 25. FRIEND #3 Right. Someone who listens, sexy but attainable with cute little cheeks like a hamster and heartbreak in his eyes. She turns to Friend one and two to explain. FRIEND #3 She wants John Cusack. FRIEND #2 The actor? FRIEND #3 No, the famous pediatrist - Yes, the actor. Ever since we were teenagers, Roxanne's totally had the hots for him. ROXANNE Well, until he miraculously comes walking into my life, I'm just going to take a little reflection time for myself. The waiter gets a confused look on his face then slips away as Roxanne and her friends continue to chat away. EXT. RESTURAUNT - DAY The waiter tosses his apron in a trash can, then rolls up his sleeve and presses A STRANGE LOOKING DEVICE STRAPPED TO HIS WRIST. His image gets staticy, like a TV station going out, then disappears - revealing the man's true form underneath: MASTER MIND! MASTER MIND Who the hell is John Cusack? EXT. CITY STREET - DAY A YOUNG MOTHER pushes her baby stroller past a building construction site. ACROSS THE STREET A local POLITICIAN addresses a group of REPORTERS on the sidewalk, including Roxanne. 26. POLITICIAN The Fifth Avenue Renovation Project, which I championed, will breath new life into the downtown area. New life means new jobs and new revenue. ROXANNE Councilman, is it true that your brother-in-law's construction company won the contract for this project? POLITICIAN Well...er...yes, but...look I'm not here to answer a lot of crazy questions... YOUNG MOTHER The young mother stops halfway down the block, reaches into the stroller and tries to comfort her now crying baby. Above her, a CRANE is maneuvering a pile of STEEL GIRDERS to an upper floor. Hal comes around the corner and heads in her direction. CRANE The crane GRINDS TO A HALT. The OPERATOR has a confused look on his face as he moves levers back and forth in an effort to fix the problem. Hal stops a few feet from the woman and stoops down to tie his shoe. CRANE The operator's hand slips off the lever, hitting a RED BUTTON. To his horror the crane DROPS ITS LOAD OF STEEL. HAL AND THE WOMAN The woman looks up to see the girders seconds from crushing her and her baby. She screams. Hal looks up and sees it as well. He starts to run out of the way and crashes into the woman and stroller. ACROSS THE STREET 27. The reporters turns their cameras just in time to catch on film what appears to be Hal pushing the woman to safety just as the GIRDERS CRASH TO THE GROUND. HAL AND MOTHER Tears of joy in her eyes, the woman picks up her baby and kisses it. Hal struggles to catch his breath as the mother turns to him. YOUNG MOTHER Thank you! Thank you for saving me and my baby! She hugs him with her free arm, weeping with joy. HAL (not knowing what she's talking about) Huh? He's a little uncomfortable with the woman's public display of affection and the small child in-between their embrace. HAL (CONT'D) There, there. Hal slowly eases out of the woman's grip. HAL (CONT'D) Okay, we better...well, I hear these little guys smother easy. The reporters rush over and surround Hal and the mother. ROXANNE What's it feel like to be a hero? Hal looks up at Roxanne. Instantly, he's captivated by her beauty. HAL Well...I'm just a man doing what men do. You're Roxanne Ritchi, aren't you? They're suddenly interrupted when another reporter pushes his way in between them. REPORTER Were you scared? 28. HAL Scared? Who had time? The reporters eat this up. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT TELEVISION John Cusack stands in the rain looking up at a window of a two story house. He holds up a BOOMBOX and "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel begins to play. From the couch, Master Mind and his minions watch. MASTER MIND John Cusack, huh? So all I have to do is have a cute puppy dog stare, be willing to make a fool of myself and - Oh, REMOVE BOTH MY BALLS. He turns to see Da Vinci watching the movie and wiping a tear from his cheek. MASTER MIND Please, get a hold of yourself. INT. BOOKSTORE - NIGHT Roxanne is carrying a large paper coffee cup in her hands as she peruses the isles. She sets it down on a shelf to pull a book out and ends up KNOCKING THE DRINK OVER. ROXANNE Shit. She goes to pick it up when someone bends down and picks it up for her. Looking up to thank him, Roxanne is suddenly stunned speechless - It's popular and critically acclaimed actor JOHN CUSACK, or rather Master Mind disguised as him. "JOHN CUSACK" Oh the humanity - it was a Venti. ROXANNE (stunned) You're...you're. "JOHN CUSACK" Yes, it's me. John Cusack...the actor. 29. He notices the book she's reading. "JOHN CUSACK" Hey, is that Shelly? Wait, I think remember something from that one - Let's see: "My head is screaming `I want you and need you' - my heart it keeps reaching to see you and feel you - yet in the end, I'm alone once again." Wow, I scare even myself. I'm sorry. I'm just really into poetry. Probably because I'm so sensitive and always going to great lengths to express myself. But enough about me. Can I fill you up? ROXANNE (captivated) ...Yes. (catching herself) I mean, excuse me? "JOHN CUSACK" Can I fill you up? Your coffee. ROXANNE Right. INT. BOOKSTORE CAFE' - LATER Roxanne talks as John Cusack listens to her every word intently. ROXANNE I did have a boyfriend - until fairly recently. She suddenly begins to feel the stares around her as passers- by being to notice who she's with. ROXANNE I'm sorry - this is so surreal! "JOHN CUSACK" Yeah, they charge way too much at these places - Now back to your boyfriend. I'm interested and compassionate. I want to know about you. 30. ROXANNE Things were complicated. He was a man married to his work. There was...there was a lot of competition in his line of business. I'm sure you know what that's like. "JOHN CUSACK" Sure. In my business, one thing I have is RIVALS. For example, mine is...uh...Lou Ferr...igno. ROXANNE ...The body-builder who used to play The Hulk on TV? "JOHN CUSACK" Did he? Well, we're always up for the same roles. Did your boyfriend have someone like that? A particular rival that was always getting his goat - so to speak? ROXANNE Well...one rival in particular seemed to get more of his attention than I ever did. But enough about my problems. "JOHN CUSACK" NO, TELL ME MORE!!! Suddenly realizing his outburst, he begins COUGHING to mask it. "JOHN CUSACK" (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I got a whooping cough. Had it ever since Serendipity. I WONDER WHERE OUR REFILLS ARE!!! (fakes cough) See, there it goes again. Please, go on. ROXANNE Right, well, he seemed to need him more than he needed me. "JOHN CUSACK" How do you mean? 31. ROXANNE It was conflict he thrived on. He always said he wouldn't know what to do with himself if Master - I mean, this guy were gone. It was like he needed it, like oxygen. The answer to his mental funk hits him like a bolt of lightening. He turns away from her as if for private time. "JOHN CUSACK" (almost to himself) I think I finally understand...The only logical answer is to recreate that rivalry - or if that's impossible, create one of equal structure. That's it! ROXANNE What? John Cusack snaps out of his dream-like haze realizing she's heard every word. "JOHN CUSACK" Oh, sorry, sorry. Just rehearsing for a part...where I play a man who talks to himself at inappropriate times. In a sudden rush, he rises out of his chair. "JOHN CUSACK" I have to go right now, but I'd really like to see you again - if that's alright. Roxanne looks up at him - She can't help but laugh at the craziness of the situation. ROXANNE I'd love that. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - DAY Master storms in the office to find Plato and Einstein playing darts with the original Mona Lisa. EINSTEIN Got her nose! MASTER MIND I've got it! 32. Everyone stops what they're doing upon seeing that their master has returned. MASTER MIND I've got it! MASTER MIND It's plain and simple. Extraordinary minds need extraordinary stimulation. Without that stimulus they wither and die. Therefore, there is only one logical conclusion: I must create a new superhero. EINSTEIN Yeah, maybe that's not such hot idea... MASTER MIND (ignoring him) Prepare for Operation Superhero Genesis! INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - LABORATORY - DAY The lab is slick, white and ultra modern. Dressed in a lab coat, Master Mind enters through a SLIDING GLASS DOOR rubbing his hands excitedly. MASTER MIND Prepare the subject. He glances down into a large HOLE in the floor to see a naked thirty year old man, SEVERS, shivering. Above the hole, a huge vat dangles precariously. Master Mind steps behind a glass partition next to Plato and Einstein. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Plato, pour the toxic waste. Plato throws a switch causing the vat to tip hundreds of gallons of green and brown goo into the hole. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Drainage. The slime is sucked out through the floor, leaving a goo- soaked Severs. 33. Master Mind looks into the pit. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Well, Severs? SEVERS I feel fine. Just a little sticky, but aside from that everything's completely - BOOM - Severs explodes. A hail of blood and tissue covers Master Mind and his men. For a good ten seconds nobody moves an inch. Finally... MASTER MIND Okay then. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - LABORATORY - DAY Through a glass WATER TANK we see a man breathing normally. MASTER MIND And this one? PLATO We attached gills to him. He can breath under water. MASTER MIND Ah. Does he have extraordinary strength? PLATO Well...no. MASTER MIND Can he fly? PLATO No. MASTER MIND Resilient to weapons fire? PLATO No. MASTER MIND He just breathes under water, then. PLATO Ah...yeah. 34. Master Mind rolls his eyes and walks away. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - LABORATORY - DAY The next guinea-pig, STENWICK, is standing in a sealed glass tube not much wider than himself. MASTER MIND Plato, the radioactive spider, please. Plato throws the switch DROPPING A SINGLE SPIDER onto Stenwick's arm. Stenwick looks and winces as it bites him. STENWICK Ow! He brushes the spider off. MASTER MIND Anything, Stenwick? STENWICK (shaken) No. Ah...sir, I didn't know this was about spiders. I have a pretty severe case of arachnophobia. Master Mind thinks for a moment, then turns to Plato. MASTER MIND We're gonna need more venom. Plato throws another switch, this time DUMPING THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS on poor Stenwick. His SCREAMS begin to fade as he's engulfed with swarms of crawling arachnids. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) How `bout now, Stenwick? ....Stenwick? INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - OFFICE - DAY Master Mind is pacing back and forth. The muted TV plays in the background. MASTER MIND This has proven to be a challenge. I just don't know what I want. What do I want? 35. He stares at Einstein, Da Vinci and Plato, but they offer no advice. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) I want a man of moral fiber with a strong sense of right and wrong. Someone who doesn't seek power - instead, they must have it thrust upon them and find, within themselves, the courage to rise to the occasion. Einstein lets out a short laugh, getting everyone's attention. EINSTEIN Yeah, well, it sounds like what you want is Uberman. Master Mind snaps the fingers of his non-metal hand. MASTER MIND That's it! Why make a copy when the real thing will do? The lackeys look at each other, they can't believe what they're hearing. EINSTEIN I was just kidding, sir. In case you forgot, you actually burned Uberman alive. MASTER MIND Then we'll make a new one. Plato, bring me the box! MINUTES LATER Master Mind and the lackeys stand in a circle around a small table. Plato places a STAINLESS STEEL CHEST in the tables center. As Master Mind opens it, he's immediately doused in WHITE GLOW emanating from inside. MASTER MIND Behold - Uberessence. The very thing that gave Uberman his superhuman powers. 36. EINSTEIN Where the hell did you get that? MASTER MIND Oh, I shot him with a power sucking gun and had this idea to use this to clone a whole army of evil Ubermen. I'm not sure why I never got around to following up with that. PLATO I believe he defeated you before you could, master. MASTER MIND ...Right. Man, he was good! DA VINCI You want another volunteer, sir? MASTER MIND Not another volunteer driven by the need for personal gain. Somebody else, somebody pure. Master Mind turns to see an INTERVIEW WITH HAL playing on the muted television. Underneath his face is a blue caption with white lettering that reads: "Hal Stewart - Metro City's Newest Hero?" NEWS REPORTER ...who risked his own life to save that of a young mother and her child. HAL Please, please, you're embarrassing me. I saw someone in need and I helped them. What more can we ask of ourselves. I ask you, what more? A smile creeps across the evil one's face. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Somebody like him! EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Plato is sitting in the van, staring into a pair of binoculars as he speaks on a cellphone. 37. PLATO Yeah, sir. This guy is a real piece of work. He used to teach bowling at Kingpin's. INT. MASTER MIND'S HIDEOUT - DAY Master Mind is sitting with his feet up on a computer console as he speaks to Plato. MASTER MIND (into phone) A modest profession to brilliantly hide his true heroic nature. I love it. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY PLATO Then you are absolutely going to love this - We follow Plato's line of sight across the street where we see HAL PLAYING WITH A LARGE GROUP OF BLIND CHILDREN. PLATO - He volunteers at a school for the blind. INT. MASTER MIND'S HIDEOUT - DAY Intrigued, he suddenly sits up in his chair. MASTER MIND He volunteers. He doesn't ask for any reward for his deeds. The fates are shining down on me. This Mr. Stewart is truly an unselfish soul. EXT. BLIND SCHOOL - DAY From a distance, Hal seems to be consoling an upset child who's sitting on a rock. But up close... HAL You greedy little bastard. I already gave you a twenty. BLIND KID Hey, you want me to play along? Then pay up, bitch! 38. HAL Fine, but you better be convincing. He gives the kid a bill out of his wallet and looks over his shoulder to see a HOT TEACHER walking toward them. HAL Here she comes, go to work. Like a miniature Brando, the blind kid buries his face in his hands and begins to cry. BLIND KID (weeping) Why can't I see! Why God? Hal puts a warm consoling hand on the weeping boy's shoulder. HAL Hey, Peter. C'mon champ, let me look at you. The Hot Teacher stops and curiously watches from a distance. The boy looks up at Hal, tears running down his dark sunglasses - he should get an Oscar. HAL You know, in life we're all given no more than we can bear. This happened to you maybe because you were meant to rise above it - Maybe to be an inspiration to the other little Peteys out there. BLIND KID You really think so, Hal? HAL Hey, does it LOOK like I'm lying? Now c'mon, go feel your way to class before you get your little butt suspended. The boy stands up and is about to take off. HAL Petey, wait a minute. Hal uses his shirt sleeve to wipe the tears away from the boy's face before sending him on his way. 39. The Hot Teacher grabs her chest. Her heart is about to absolutely melt. HAL Don't run into anything! EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Plato lowers his binoculars. From his perspective, Hal should be next in line for popehood. PLATO I think I've seen enough, sir. This is your guy. MASTER MIND (O.S.) (over radio) Then return to base. We have much work to do. Plato starts up the van and pulls away. INT. BAR - DAY It's a busy night. A couple of trucker types are shooting pool as the bartender slings drinks. Hal is nursing a beer at the bar when he suddenly notices a very ATTRACTIVE WOMAN sitting next to him. As he goes to straighten his stool-posture, Hal suddenly catches himself on the bar's TELEVISION - it's a story about how he saved the woman and her baby at the construction site. He turns back to the Attractive Woman next to him, then back to the TV. A plan of attack is forming. HAL (obviously playing it up for the woman's benefit) Oh, there it is again. This is really getting embarrassing now. The woman looks up at the screen and gives Hal a double-take. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Oh my God! It's you! You're the man who saved that woman and her baby the other day! It is you, isn't it? TRUCKER #1, getting a drink at the bar next to them, OVERHEARS. 40. Hal rolls his eyes and puts his hands up in the air. HAL (to Attractive Woman) Oh, crap. You got me. TRUCKER#1 taps Hal on the shoulder. TRUCKER#1 Let me tell you something. That was just about the bravest damn thing I've ever witnessed. (he turns to the rest of the bar) Hey, everybody! This guy's the hero from TV! The bar ERUPTS IN CHEERS. MOMENTS LATER Hal is riding on the shoulders of TRUCKER#2 and TRUCKER#3 as `I'm Holding Out For A Hero' plays on the jukebox. TRUCKER#1 suddenly puts his hands in the air. The room quickly goes silent. TRUCKER#1 I want to give you something. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a medal. He holds it up in the air for everyone to see. TRUCKER#1 (CONT'D) Lost my whole platoon. They were a lot a good boys, a lot of good boys. That was just the way things were in "The Grenada." I'd rather a real hero have this. Trucker#1 gives the medal to a speechless Hal. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Hey, you're on TV again. The crowd looks up at the Television. TELEVISION - CONTINUOUS The anchor man, BRAD HELMS (early 40's, amazing mustache), suddenly has a memo passed to him. 41. BRAD HELMS This just in. Upon a second look at that tape from this morning, which we'll now replay for you, it appears it was not the heroic act it first seemed to be. The tape shows Hal running in slow motion. BRAD HELMS (O.S.) (CONT'D) With the tape slowed down you can actually see the man push the woman and her child out of the way in an effort to save his own life. The tape shows Hal, in a clear act of self-preservation, pushing the woman and child out of the way. CUT BACK TO: INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS In unison, everyone turns their heads back to Hal. HAL I guess that looks kinda bad. Trucker#1 snatches his medal back. EXT. NEARBY ROOF - NIGHT Master Mind, Da Vinci and Plato look down, spotting Hal cutting through a dark alley. DA VINCI There he is, boss. Da Vinci hands Master Mind a fantastic looking silver rifle. MASTER MIND Now, we're sure this won't kill him? PLATO Yes, sir. He'll just feel a slight electrical shock. MASTER MIND Good. Master Mind raises the rifle and aims it at Hal. 42. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Hal wipes the blood from his nose with his shirtsleeve. A LIGHTENING BOLT suddenly zaps Hal in the back. His teeth spark and arc electrons as his entire body shakes and shudders violently. He finally collapses, knocking over a row of garbage cans. EXT. NEARBY ROOF - NIGHT An angry Master Mind slaps Plato. MASTER MIND Slight electrical shock? EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Hal lies flat on his back, his jacket smoldering. Dazed, he slowly rises to his feet and looks up at the sky. HAL God, I hate the weather in this city. Hal walks off into the night as he attempts to slap the emitting smoke from his jacket. EXT. NEARBY ROOF - NIGHT Master Mind turns to Da Vinci. MASTER MIND Follow him. INT. HAL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT It's a dirty, small studio. Laundry lies everywhere, dishes are piled in the sink and the litter box looks like a minefield. Hal comes staggering in. Through his POV we see the lights wobble and streak like a hallucination. He shakes his head trying to clear thing up, but it looks worse. Hal makes his way to the kitchen table and plops down on a chair. The room begins to swim. His CAT jumps on the table and sits down in front of him. 43. From Hal's POV the cat's face looks like we're seeing it through a kaleidoscope. Hal seems fascinated by it. CAT You don't look so good, man. HAL I don't feel good. I was struck by freaking lightening. Suddenly Hal realizes his cat's talking to him. HAL (CONT'D) AAAAAAHHHHH! You can talk? CAT No, you're just hallucinating. By the way, we're out of orange juice. HAL AAAAAAHHHHH! Hal jumps up, trips over a cardboard box and knocks himself out on the coffee table. INT. HAL'S APARTMENT - MORNING Hal lies in the same position we left him last night. He sits up and grabs his head. He looks like he has the worst hangover in the world. Finally, he remembers last night. He looks around, but not really sure what he's looking for. HAL Man... Shaking his head, he walks to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. He pulls out an orange juice container and puts it to his mouth. It's empty. As if suddenly remembering something he looks from the carton to the cat, who is busy cleaning himself. He shakes the thought from his mind. BATHROOM Hal lifts the seat and unbuckles his pants. 44. HAL'S FACE He stares at the ceiling with half closed eyes. The inevitable sound of urine hitting water starts. A content look washes over his face. There is a distinct sound of porcelain CRACKING and SPLINTERING. The sound intensifies. Hal looks down to see his URINE STREAM SMASHING THE TOILET. HAL (CONT'D) Oh, God! He whips his stream away only to cut a LONG RIP IN THE WALL. HAL (CONT'D) Oh, God! He freaks out and begins to lose control of his flow as it destroys everything he accidently aims at; the bathroom mirror, a bottle of cheap cologne, the bathroom window. HAL (CONT'D) Oh, God! He aims back for the toilet, which is pretty much rubble now, to see the floor give way. Finally, the pee stops and he glances down the hole. He sees his downstairs NEIGHBOR sitting at his breakfast table. He has a fork halfway to his mouth as he stares at the smashed toilet on his pancakes. EXT. STREET - DAY Hal turns the corner to see his bus pulling away from the stop. HAL Wait! He starts running after it. ZOOM - HE TAKES OFF LIKE LIGHTENING. HAL (CONT'D) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Unable to stop, he SLAMS INTO THE BACK OF THE BUS and falls back to the ground. 45. As the bus continues on he sees an INDENTATION of his torso right below the rear window. Stunned, to say the least, he rises to his feet. HAL (CONT'D) Something's not right here. He slaps himself in the face as hard as he can. HAL (CONT'D) Wake up! Wake up, Hal! HONK! Hal spins around to see a car barreling toward him. He goes to jump out of the way - ZOOM - he FLIES TWO STORIES UP, nails a building and comes crashing back down to the sidewalk. Hal sits up, disheveled and scared. HAL (CONT'D) Okay, okay. Let's get it together, man. He closes his eyes in an attempt to will back his sanity. HAL (CONT'D) This is just some sort of...episode. It will pass, it will pass. He opens his eyes and looks down the street. A BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMAN is coming toward him. HAL (CONT'D) Well, not too fast I hope. As she passes him and turns the corner out of his view he catches ANOTHER NAKED WOMAN - an old disgusting one. HAL (CONT'D) Yes, fast, fast! He turns away from her in horror only to see AN ENTIRE BLOCK OF NAKED PEOPLE going about their business. He rubs his eyes and looks down the street again. Everyone has returned to a clothed state. 46. He relaxes a little until he looks down and notices that he's floating a foot off the ground. HAL (CONT'D) I think I need to go home. INT. HAL'S APARTMENT - DAY Hal's front door CREAKS as it slowly opens, revealing Master Mind. He walks over to the bathroom and smiles to himself as he notices the giant hole in the floor. MASTER MIND Welcome to your second birth, Hal Stewart. Master Mind continues to survey the room. He stops to look over a "KARATE KID" POSTER on Hal's living room wall. He focuses on the majestic image of Pat Morita teaching a young Ralph Macchio to kick. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Instruction is very important in the formative years. Every hero needs a mentor, a father figure to look up to. He presses his special watch, causing his body to MORPH INTO THE SPITTING-IMAGE OF PAT MORITA. "PAT MORITA" Perfect. INT. HAL'S APARTMENT - DAY Hal enters, grabs a bottle of vodka from atop of the fridge and takes a long pull from it. VOICE (O.S.) A man will usually find that if he drinks from a bottle, eventually, the bottle drinks from him. Hal does a SPIT TAKE. In the corner a darkened figure stands. HAL Who are you!? 47. VOICE I am the guide on your journey. Fate has chosen you to be it's champion. Pat Morita steps out from the shadows. Hal passes out again. LATER We are close on Hal's face as his eyes flutter open. He appears to be lying on the couch. He hunches up on his elbows, looks around, but everything is as it seems. He lays his head back down. HAL Thank God. It was a dream. Man, I must be losing it. A voice sounds right next to his ear. "PAT MORITA" (O.S.) You know you're out of orange juice? Hal leaps up to find he's been resting his head on Pat's lap. HAL Jesus! This isn't happening, this isn't happening. Hal backs away and trips over a box. "PAT MORITA" Calm. All things must be filtered through calmness. HAL Bullshit! Sometimes it's best to freak out. "PAT MORITA" I think we must work on your attitude first. HAL Look I'm gonna call the cops in about two seconds if you don't get out of here. 48. Pat rises and walks to Hal. He's so calm it makes Hal calm. "PAT MORITA" Are you calm now? HAL Yeah, I'm okay. Pat slaps him across the face hard. "PAT MORITA" Good, because we've got a lot of work to do. Hal grabs his jaw. HAL What the hell was that for? "PAT MORITA" Rule number one: expect the unexpected. HAL Can you just tell me what this is all about? "PAT MORITA" The heavens are not in the habit of bestowing a gift such as this to just anyone. You are being rewarded for being a man of great moral fortitude with an unwavering belief in humanity. HAL That's me alright. "PAT MORITA" I am to train you so you may fulfill your destiny to defeat the great menace to Metro City: Master Mind. Pat gets up and walks toward the door. "PAT MORITA" (CONT'D) Come. HAL We're are we going? 49. "PAT MORITA" To train. EXT. PAT'S CAR - DAY Pat is sitting in the driver's seat. The car is bumping up and down. "PAT MORITA" Strength is just as much in the mind as it is the muscle. Remember, both need to be exercised. We PULL BACK to see Hal lifting the car up over his head. He's hardly straining. HAL I'M LIFTING A FREAKING CAR!!! Pat leans on the HORN. "PAT MORITA" Hey, Corky? You listening? Two highly attractive female joggers run by. They're clearly impressed with Hal's show of strength. He smiles and mouths a "hello." HAL Yeah, work both muscles. EXT. DESERT - DAY Pat cocks back the chamber of a .357 MAGNUM. He holds it up and carefully takes aim...at Hal's chest. "PAT MORITA" Trust me. HAL What are you doing!? "PAT MORITA" An invulnerability test. Something wrong? HAL Uh...yeah. I would prefer not to get shot. Do not fire that thing! Frustrated, Pat lowers the gun. 50. "PAT MORITA" You're bulletproof. HAL Okay, do you know that for sure? Pat quickly aims and fires. Hal lets out a high pitched scream as the bullet ricochets off his chest. "PAT MORITA" I do now. Hal looks down at his chest, not so much as a scratch. HAL You suck. EXT. SKY - DAY Hal is in the air flying in a sitting position. He's weaving back and forth. HAL Ice Man, I got a bogie on my tail. Two Russian Migs coming in hard and fast. "PAT MORITA" Hey! HAL What? Hal looks down to see Pat Morita yelling at him from the roof of a building down below. "PAT MORITA" What did I tell you? Stomach down, hands up. Hal sighs and assumes the proper superhero in-flight position. HAL God, I feel so gay. Pat's CELL PHONE begins to RING. He answers it. "PAT MORITA" (in Master Mind voice) What is it? 51. ROXANNE (V.O.) John? Pat panics. He looks up to make sure no one is in earshot. He sees Hal now doing somersaults in the air. HAL YEEEE HAWWWW! Pat turns his attention back to the phone, talking in his John Cusack voice. "PAT MORITA" (in Cusack voice) Yes, it's John Cusack. ROXANNE (V.O.) Hi, it's Roxanne. Listen, I...I really enjoyed talking with you the other day. "PAT MORITA" ...As did I. ROXANNE (V.O.) Great. God, I feel really silly, and if you have a lot going on I totally understand. But, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to have lunch. He can't believe what he's hearing. "PAT MORITA" (excited) I'd love to! He quickly recovers his composure. "PAT MORITA" (CONT'D) I mean, I AM a little hungry. ROXANNE (V.O.) Great. How does the park sound, around noon-ish? "PAT MORITA" Sure! ROXANNE (V.O.) Great, see you then. 52. Pat hangs up the phone and returns it to his pocket as Hal lands behind him. HAL WHOOOOA! Man, that is so cool. It's like fly - Oh my God, I almost said it was like flying. "PAT MORITA" For the rest of the day I want you to continue to practice your flying posture. HAL Why, where're ya going? "PAT MORITA" ...To do something...mysterious ...and Asian. HAL Say no more, bro. I'll just keep at it, then. EXT. PARK - DAY John Cusack and Roxanne eat WRAPPED SANDWICHES while walking through Metro City Park. ROXANNE How's your sandwich? "JOHN CUSACK" It's quite delicious. ROXANNE Hope you don't think I'm too forward. Some men are intimidated when a woman asks them out. I just find you really easy to talk to. "JOHN CUSACK" And I you. ROXANNE You know, you're not at all like you are in the movies. "JOHN CUSACK" I'm not? 53. ROXANNE Yeah. I don't know - You have this strange, refined way of speaking. "JOHN CUSACK" I do? That is most interesting. ROXANNE Anyway, when we were talking the other day I just felt, even though we only talked for a couple of hours, that we've known each other for years. "JOHN CUSACK" I know just what you mean. Roxanne bites into her sandwich. ROXANNE You know what? This sandwich is disgusting. She tosses it in a nearby garbage can. ROXANNE (CONT'D) Of course I already ate half of it. I wonder what that says about my character? "JOHN CUSACK" It means you don't give up on a sandwich. You see that it has potential, and you give it every chance to be all it can be. Roxanne smiles at his analogy. ROXANNE Thanks, but knowing me, I was probably projecting my expectations of what a lunch should be on the sandwich. It might have been okay at first, but I just made it bitter. John Cusack notices Roxanne's smile starting to fade. "JOHN CUSACK" Is that what happened with your last sandwich - I mean, boyfriend? 54. ROXANNE When I look back, I probably shouldn't of expected so much from him. He was already a giving person. You know, one of those go out and save the world types. "JOHN CUSACK" I've run into a few. ROXANNE I was selfish, I guess. I didn't want to share him with anybody else. "JOHN CUSACK" It sounds like he was a special man. ROXANNE They broke the mold. John Cusack arches his eyebrow in a very familiar manner. "JOHN CUSACK" Perhaps not. INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - DAY Hal walks up to Pat Morita sporting a Lone Ranger-type mask and wearing a purple and red superhero costume. It's not unlike Uberman's except for a giant "T" on his chest. (From here on, Hal is referred to as TITAN) TITAN What's the "T" stand for? "PAT MORITA" Titan. TITAN What's that supposed to mean? "PAT MORITA" It's from Roman mythology. Zeus's father...oh, just go with it. You look perfect. TITAN I don't think this mask is big enough. Are you sure no one is gonna recognize me? 55. "PAT MORITA" It's fine, just don't slouch. It's all in the posture. He grabs Titan's shoulders like a proud papa. "PAT MORITA" (CONT'D) It is time. INT. BANK - DAY There is a long line of people snaked around the velvet ropes. They're all waiting for their chance at the one open teller window. Four men wearing BEATLES MASKS(JOHN,PAUL,GEORGE,AND RINGO)and CARRYING SHOTGUNS enter the bank. John fires a shot in the air, sending everyone into an immediate panic. JOHN Alright folks, this is a robbery. Nobody moves - yadda, yadda, yadda... Ringo jumps over the teller wall and starts stuffing bills into a bag. As John and Paul cover the crowd, George goes to the corner office and puts a gun to the BANK MANAGER'S head. GEORGE The safe. Let's go. BANK MANAGER Okay, just don't hurt anyone. GEORGE Yeah, yeah, yeah. George leads him out by the collar. CRASH - Titan smashes through the window and lands in a bold superhero stance with hands on hips. TITAN Well, boys, there's no need for all this just to get the free toaster. Paul cocks his gun. 56. PAUL What are you suppose to be? We move in for a nice dramatic close up. TITAN Justice. GEORGE Well, justice, suck on this... George, John and Paul open fire on Titan. He just stands there and yawns as the bullets bounce off him. With their guns empty the three just stare at him in amazement. TITAN Now it's my turn. He turns to George. TITAN (CONT'D) Hey, George, here comes the sun. Titan grabs George and throws him into a fluorescent light fixture in the ceiling. Paul tries to run for the door. Titan snatches the collar of his jacket. TITAN (CONT'D) Say, Paul, your mother should know...that you're a scumbag. He tosses Paul out the window and into a parked DELIVERY TRUCK. Titan turns around just as John hits him with the butt of his shotgun. It instantly breaks apart in his hands. Titan lifts him like a rag doll up into the air. TITAN (CONT'D) John, all you need is love... He throws John who lands on top of a cubical wall - GROIN FIRST. TITAN (CONT'D) ...and a good urologist. 57. Titan effortlessly hops over the teller wall to find Ringo cowering on the floor. He grabs him by the shirt and lifts him up. HAL Well, Ringo...um...um...you're under arrest. EXT. BANK - DAY Titan walks out of the bank with Ringo and George under his arm. He's suddenly swarmed by a group of television reporters, including Roxanne. Across the street is Pat Morita. He watches Titan's first news conference with great anxiety. BANK MANAGER (to Hal) On behalf of the First National Bank of Metro City, I'd like to offer you a reward for your act of bravery. He hands Titan a check. TITAN (reading) Ten thousand dollars! Titan looks over to Pat, who violently shakes his head no. TITAN (CONT'D) (unenthusiastically) I...can't except this. Law and order is it's own...um...reward. Pat gives him the thumbs up. Pat turns, suddenly seeing Roxanne with her camera crew. Captivated, his eyes lock on her. Meanwhile, Roxanne and her cameraman, SETH, are maneuvering around the crowd to get closer to Titan. BRAD HELMS (O.S.) Not so fast, Roxanne. They both turn to see Roxanne's reporter rival Brad Helms, Geraldo without the class, and his cameraman, FRANK. BRAD HELMS This story's mine. 58. ROXANNE Listen, Brad. We were just in the area. I was just trying to - BRAD HELMS I've been in this business long enough to know pretty well what you were "just trying to do." Besides, I heard you couldn't take the big game anymore and were put on fluff detail? Dejected, Roxanne turns and motions for Seth to turn the camera off. SETH You're not gonna take that from him, are you? ROXANNE He's right. Old habit, I guess. (to Brad) We'll get out of your way. As they walk off, Brad makes a comment to Frank loud enough for her to hear. BRAD HELMS Besides, I'm sure there's a pancake supper somewhere that needs covering. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - OFFICE - DAY ON TELEVISION We see the news conference on the bank's steps. In the corner of the screen is written: "recorded earlier." BRAD HELMS For months now, since the death of Uberman, the citizens of Metro City have been holding out for a hero. Well, it appears they won't have to hold out for much longer as a new costumed crusader has suddenly stormed onto the scene. Today, at the Metro Savings and Trust, a masked mystery man single-handedly defeated "The Fab Four Gang." Just who is this new caped avenger? Brad holds the microphone to Titan's face. 59. BRAD HELMS I'm sure all of our viewers are now wondering, what's the "T" stand for? TITAN It's a message to all the scum out there. Uberman may be gone, but Metro City has a new protector, and his name is "Tighten!" Another reporter leans in. REPORTER How do you spell that? We PULL BACK to see Plato and Da Vinci watching this spectacle. Master Mind is sitting with them, reading a NEWSPAPER. MASTER MIND (reading paper) Oh, for heaven's sake. I can't believe it. He misspelled his name. Master Mind holds up the newspaper. The headline reads "Metro's New Hero: Tighten." MASTER MIND (CONT'D) No matter, I suppose. Master Mind throws the paper on the floor and begins to pace around the room with his arms folded behind his back. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) We've now fully established Titan as Metro City's hero. They will love him just as they loved Uberman. Everything is going according to plan. Einstein leans over and whispers in Plato's ear. EINSTEIN (whispering) Yeah, if the plan is getting us in jail. Master Mind turns around, facing Einstein. He walks over, standing face to face with the rebellious henchmen. 60. MASTER MIND You know, Einstein, maybe I should have called you Socrates. He also didn't know when to keep his thoughts to himself. EINSTEIN I just fail to see the point in all of this. I mean, why are we creating another superhero when it was such a pain in the ass for you to get rid of the other one? I mean, Uberman is destroyed, we should be using this opportunity to...to... MASTER MIND To what? EINSTEIN I don't know. To take over the weather, space, the world - whatever super villains are SUPPOSED to do. MASTER MIND The reason someone like you will always be a minion is because you have no foresight. We take over the earth, like you said. Then what? Women? Cars? Money? Even the grandest treasures will lose their lustre if you don't have someone to hold them over. Einstein throws up his hands. He's had enough. He pulls off his wig and throws it to the floor. EINSTEIN That's it! This balance of the force bullshit is getting way too Oprah for me. I'm blowing. Who's with me? MASTER MIND You dare? EINSTEIN Yeah, I dare. I'm sick of wearing stupid costumes, and I'm sick of working for a super villain who's turning into a softie. 61. Plato and Da Vinci's mouths drop to the floor. They turn to Master Mind for his rebuttal. MASTER MIND What - did - you - call me? EINSTEIN You heard me. You used to be an inhuman monster, now look at you. You're creating super heroes, you don't go with us on robberies anymore, it's been days since you threatened anyone, oh, and not to mention this Roxanne Ritchi thing. MASTER MIND THAT is none of your business, knave! EINSTEIN Hey, you guys haven't sealed the deal yet, have you? MASTER MIND Silence! EINSTEIN (In a woman's voice) Oh, Master, your head is so big. MASTER MIND I'm warning you, Einstein. EINSTEIN (In a woman's voice) Take me! MASTER MIND I said silence! With his metal gauntlet Master Mind grabs Einstein by the throat and lifts him into the air. Einstein looks frightened as he tries to pry himself free of Master Mind's grip. Master Mind's eyes soften as if his heart is suddenly not into what he's about to do. He let's Einstein drop to the floor. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Get out of my sight. 62. EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Roxanne and John Cusack are eating on the outside patio of a fancy restaurant. ROXANNE Don't get me wrong, I love being a reporter. I don't think I could do anything else. It's the consequences of what we do that I'm having a problem with. He listens intently as he refills her glass with wine. "JOHN CUSACK" That's where journalistic responsibility comes in, no? ROXANNE It's supposed to. "JOHN CUSACK" Sounds to me like you're running from something. ROXANNE I got someone I cared about killed. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have been involved. John suddenly gets a disturbed look in his eye, realizing what she's talking about. He reaches across the table and takes her hand. "JOHN CUSACK" You can't blame yourself. My father used to say each of us must answer the great call to truly feel alive. ROXANNE Was he an actor? "JOHN CUSACK" ...No. He was...a landscaper. And a horrible one. I mean he would fail time and time again at his...landscaping. And sometimes he'd get pretty beaten up or thrown in jail - ROXANNE Jail? 63. "JOHN CUSACK" My point is he took the good with the bad. He grew a little each time. Improved, learned. ROXANNE Was he ever successful? "JOHN CUSACK" God, no...but don't let deter you. Roxanne LAUGHS. ROXANNE Thanks for this. You know, this is embarrassing, but it's been a long time since I - It's starting to lightly sprinkle. Roxanne looks up. ROXANNE (CONT'D) I think it's starting to rain. We might want to find a table inside. "JOHN CUSACK" What were you gonna say? ROXANNE Oh, I was gonna say...It's been a long time since...well, I've been with someone I...enjoy being with. John Cusack smiles warmly and raises his glass for a toast. "JOHN CUSACK" To people who enjoy being with each other. They go to clang glasses, when the rain suddenly causes John Cusack's disguise generator to short. His true form of Master Mind is briefly revealed to Roxanne as a BOLT OF ELECTRICITY encircles his body. Roxanne drops her glass and jumps out of her seat. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Oh, no. Don't look at me. LIKE A BROKEN TV the image keeps switching between MASTER MIND AND JOHN CUSACK. 64. As Master Mind starts to franticly slap at his watch, the Cusack disguise begins to hold steady. He nonchalantly returns to cutting his steak. "JOHN CUSACK" Okay, never mind that. Now, where were we? Roxanne grabs his glass and throws the drink in his face, causing the generator to short out permanently. Master Mind now sits in his true blue form. ROXANNE Oh my God. MASTER MIND You're not gonna get all freaky about this, are you? ROXANNE This...this is too much, even for you. God, I go out with you, tell you my innermost thoughts. MASTER MIND I only did this because I wanted to talk to you on the same level. You know, without all the baggage? ROXANNE Baggage? You burned my boyfriend alive, you sick son-of-a-bitch! MASTER MIND You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Roxanne starts to walk away. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Roxanne! ROXANNE Stay away from me. Master Mind sinks back down to his chair. Despite the now heavy rain bombarding him, he returns to his food. Several resturaunt patron's are looking at him through the window. 65. Our villain turns to them, giving them a villainous glare. MASTER MIND What? INT. MASTER MIND'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Master Mind is lying on his back, wide awake. MASTER MIND (mumbling to himself) Stupid. What was I thinking? Plato, it's his fault. He's the one who sent me on this weak-willed path. I'll filet his scrotum for this. Me, a creature of evil, in love with Roxanne Ritchi. Preposterous. I hardly give such matters thought He rolls onto his side. He yawns and closes his eyes. Suddenly, they shoot back open. CUT TO: EXT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Master Mind pulls up in a blue Rolls Royce, across the street from Roxanne's apartment He stares up at the building, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Finally, she appears, primping her hair in her apartment window's reflection. MASTER MIND I should just go up there and just lay it all out to her. "Roxanne, I like you - I always have. Oh, and I'm sorry I blew up your ex. (realizing the absurdity of his words) Yeah, that would go over like a pants-less clown at a child's birthday party. What the hell am I even doing here? Who cares what she thinks? I'm a supervillain and here I am acting like a love struck schoolboy. Forget this. I control my own destiny! 66. He turns the ignition key - NOTHING HAPPENS. He repeats but gets the same results. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (disgusted) Perfect. INT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT She pulls a pack of smokes off her night stand. Empty. ROXANNE Damn. She grabs her long coat and throws it over her robe. EXT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT BUILDING Roxanne steps outside. ROXANNE Please be open. Across the street is a liquor store. The light is still on. ROXANNE (CONT'D) Thank God. She walks across the street, passing in front of Master Mind's car. Spotting her, he sinks down in his seat. Roxanne walks by, totally unaware of his presence. Relieved, Master Mind sits back up and watches her go into the store. INT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT Roxanne walks up to an elderly Korean SHOPKEEPER at the counter. ROXANNE A pack of Lady Strikes, please. EXT. MASTER MIND'S CAR - NIGHT Master Mind is talking on his cell phone. MASTER MIND Hello, Triple A? 67. He suddenly spots something across the street. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT A HOODLUM walks up to the entrance of the store and pulls out a gun from under his coat. EXT. MASTER MIND'S CAR - NIGHT Master Mind stares in shock. MASTER MIND I'll call you back. He hangs up the phone and watches the Hoodlum go inside the store. INT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT The Hoodlum reaches across the counter and grabs a fist full of cash from the register. SHOPKEEPER Hey! SHOTGUN HOODLUM Shut up, Gramps. He turns to Roxanne, spotting a GOLD NECKLACE around her neck. SHOTGUN HOODLUM (CONT'D) Gimme that necklace! ROXANNE I don't think so. The Hoodlum cocks his shotgun. SHOTGUN HOODLUM I said give it to me! MASTER MIND (O.S.) The lady said no. The hoodlum turns around to see Master Mind in the doorway holding a STRANGE-LOOKING HAND CANNON (GOO GUN) with knobs and blinking lights. The hoodlum starts to laugh. 68. SHOTGUN HOODLUM What the hell's that? A super soaker? MASTER MIND No, it's a goo gun. The hoodlum turns his gun to Master Mind. SHOTGUN HOODLUM Yeah, what's it do? MASTER MIND It goos. Master Mind fires the cannon. It instantly covers the store in a cloud of SMOKE. The smoke clears to reveal the hoodlum STUCK TO THE WALL, covered in a thick, GREEN GUNK. Roxanne stares at him, dumbfounded. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) It's...a prototype. Master Mind starts to walk out when he's suddenly confronted by the shopkeeper. SHOPKEEPER I know you! You Master Brain guy. You a hero. Master Mind points the goo gun at him. MASTER MIND Don't - EVER - say that again. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT Master Mind walks out with the cannon resting on his shoulder like he's a short timer in Da Nang. Roxanne follows shortly behind him. ROXANNE Hey! Master Mind turns around. ROXANNE (CONT'D) Are you following me or something? 69. MASTER MIND Don't flatter yourself. He turns away and continues walking. Roxanne runs in front of him blocking his way. ROXANNE Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you. Finally it occurs to her what's going on. ROXANNE (CONT'D) What a minute...all that stuff you use to say to me when Uberman was alive - about me being the loyal queen by your side as you rule over Metro City. That wasn't just super villain rhetoric, was it? You actually meant it! MASTER MIND My, someone has a rather high opinion of themselves. They stare at each other in silence, their glares locked in conflict. ROXANNE (coldly) Do you really think I would be with someone like you? This stings Master Mind to the bone. And after a brief contemplation, he reaches the only logical, painful conclusion. MASTER MIND No. With that, Master Mind exits into the night, leaving Roxanne with a baffled expression on her face. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT Master Mind enters in a huff. Da Vinci closes the door behind him as Plato notices his master's agitated state. PLATO Everything alright, sir? Master Mind GRABS PLATO BY THE GROIN with his metal gauntlet causing Plato's eyes to bulge in pain. 70. MASTER MIND (overly calm) Fine, why do you ask? PLATO You...just...seem... Master Mind tightens his grip. MASTER MIND Go on. PLATO ...distracted. Master Mind releases him. MASTER MIND Just with business, my minion. Just with business. I've decided it is time. PLATO You mean? MASTER MIND Yes, we've created our hero, now it's time to give him a little motivation. DA VINCI How do we do that? MASTER MIND To be simply good is not enough. A hero must be driven by an almost relentless desire to right a wrong that can never be corrected. PLATO You mean? MASTER MIND Yes, he must lose someone near and dear to him - his father figure. Gentlemen, it's time for Operation Mentor Kill! EXT. SKY OVER METRO CITY - DAY Titan flies high over and through the city, under bridges, between buildings, etc. He's not really working, just enjoying himself. 71. INT. WOMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A PRETTY WOMAN sits at her makeup table wearing nothing but her bra and panties. Through the reflection in her mirror we see a large window directly behind her. As she applies lipstick we see Titan fly quickly by in the background. After a moment he slowly slides back in view and begins ogling the girl. She sees him in the mirror and quickly covers herself with a robe. Titan tries to hide his face as he zooms off. MOMENTS LATER Titan looks down to see an APARTMENT BUILDING IN RUIN. Emergency lights flash around it as swarms of people run around in chaos. TITAN Man, what the hell happened down there? Wait a sec - He stops in mid-air as he comes to the striking realization. TITAN (CONT'D) THAT'S MY APARTMENT!!! EXT. HAL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Titan lands in front of the rubble that was once his home. Reporters stand just beyond the police line. TITAN Crap. From the wreckage crawls a dying Pat Morita. TITAN (CONT'D) PAT! Titan goes and kneels beside Pat, holding him in his arms. TITAN (CONT'D) You okay? "PAT MORITA" I'm dying, kid. There is just one last lesson I have for you. It is the most important of all. 72. TITAN What's that? "PAT MORITA" Master Mind did this, you must avenge me. TITAN Master Mind? Why? "PAT MORITA" Because he's evil. You must stop the evil Hal - stop the... Pat's body goes limp. The cameras begin to pop and flash around them. Titan gently lays Pat's body down and stands respectfully over him. The reporters rush over. REPORTER 1 Tighten, Is this the work of Master Mind? REPORTER 2 How will the death of your mentor affect your resolve? REPORTER 3 Was that Pat Morita? Titan walks up to one of the cameras. TITAN This injustice will not go unpunished. Master Mind, if you can hear me, Tighten is coming for you. In the background we see Plato and Da Vinci, DRESSED AS PARAMEDICS, load pat's body onto a stretcher. PLATO ACCIDENTALLY DROPS HIS SIDE. As he bends down to pick it back up, Pat quickly slaps him, then goes back to playing dead. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT Master Mind and the boys prepare the fortress for Hal's revenge attack. Master Mind is as giddy as a schoolboy. 73. MASTER MIND Alright, people, we don't have much time. Titan should be here any minute, so let's get the lead out. There is a GIANT MOUNTED DEATH RAY in the middle of the hall being tinkered with by Da Vinci. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) How's the death ray coming? DA VINCI Nearly up to full power, sir. MASTER MIND Hum. Let's turn it down a few notches. It's his first time and we don't want to get in a lucky shot, now do we? Plato enters the room. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Anything on the radar yet? PLATO Not yet, sir. MASTER MIND I see. Well, he must be planning something big. Are the flame androids deployed? PLATO All twelve. Master Mind rubs his hands in anticipation as he sits down on his throne. MASTER MIND Wonderful, wonderful. Plato, Da Vinci, take your places next to me. They move to either side of the chair. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) No slouching. Da Vinci straightens up and sucks in his gut. They remain this way for several long moments. Master Mind occasionally glances at a DIGITAL CLOCK on the wall. Still no Titan. 74. LATER Apparently quite some time has passed. The bold stances have degraded to fatigue. PLATO He's certainly taking his time. MASTER MIND He'll be here. That's the way it works. STILL LATER Master Mind reclines in his chair and taps his metal gauntlet impatiently on the armrest. Plato has squatted down, resting his chin on his hand. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Unprofessional, that's what this is. No, it's disrespect for the craft. Master Mind rises and begins to pace back and forth. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Would Uberman have kept us waiting like this? Of course not. He was a pro who knew the score. It's time we spelled out a few things for this Titan. I will not be made a fool of. He storms out of the room. INT. HAL'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY Titan's sitting on the floor in a barren apartment wearing his costume top and some tighty whities. He sips his beer as he watches a basketball game on a tiny TV. Much to his annoyance, there's a KNOCK at the door. TITAN Oh, for crying out loud. He gets up and opens the door. It's Master Mind. MASTER MIND Do you know who I am? 75. It takes a few moments to register, but Titan's suddenly excited. TITAN Yeah, you're Master Mind. Yeah! You're actually the guy I want to see! MASTER MIND Oh, so NOW you want to get down to it. Well, I want to get a few things off my chest first. Master Mind walks past Titan into the apartment. He spins around, pointing at him accusingly with one of his metal fingers. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Of all the inconsiderate - Do you have any idea how long we waited for you? We're you even planning on coming to me and getting revenge? Titan shuts the apartment door, and turns back toward his guest. TITAN Well, at first I was going to. You know, because that's what I figured I was supposed to do. But then I got to thinking- MASTER MIND (interrupting) -You got to thinking? There's nothing to think about. I'm the villain. I do something bad, you come and get me. TITAN - I got to thinking...what's the point? Master Mind throws up his hands. MASTER MIND Maybe you're right. What's the point? He suddenly notices something in the corner of his eye. He walks over to a futon in the living room. On top of it is a LARGE SACK OVERFLOWING WITH GOLD WATCHES,RINGS AND OTHER VALUABLES. 76. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) What are these? TITAN That's what I wanted to talk to you about. MASTER MIND (baffled) Where did you get all this? TITAN (proudly) Get this: I stole them. MASTER MIND From where? TITAN From all over. You see, once you killed Pat and ruined my other apartment building I was pretty pissed off, so I figured I'd go, find you and kick some ass. Then I thought to myself: "Okay,then what?" I mean, if we were to fight, what would I get out of it? Would I get my apartment back? Would I be able to pay the bills? MASTER MIND Well, what about your mentor? TITAN Tell you the truth? He was kind of a dick. I mean, being a hero is dandy and all, but it's volunteer work. Now you've always had the right take on all this. I mean, when you rob a bank or take over the diamond exchange you get something out of it. I mean, when you don't get caught, which, no offense, isn't very often. And that brings me to what I wanted to propose to you: Who could catch you if I'm by your side? Perplexed by his proposal, Master Mind just stares at Titan awe-struck. MASTER MIND You want to team-up? 77. TITAN You got the brains, I got the brawn. We could even call ourselves that: `Brain' and `Brawn'. Look at this. Titan picks up a piece of POSTER BOARD off the floor and shows it to Master Mind. TITAN (CONT'D) I even designed us some new costumes. The picture is crudely drawn with magic markers and crayons. A big headed man (Master Mind) is standing on a plate of grass in a blue costume with a picture of a brain on his chest. Next to him, is a picture of Titan in a red costume with a black cape, but his chest is mysteriously blank. Titan proudly points to the two figures. TITAN (CONT'D) See, you'd be brain, so you got a little one on your costume, and then I'll have brawn on mine...once I figure out the best, you know, visual interpretation of it. What do you think? MASTER MIND What do I think? Master Mind shakes his head tiredly. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) I think you're probably the biggest idiot I've ever met. I mean, I can't believe you. All your gifts, all your powers, and all you want to use them for is your own financial fulfillment. You know what? Your kind of people make me sick. Titan puts down his drawing. TITAN I worked hard on this. MASTER MIND Oh - gee - I am so sorry! 78. Master Mind looks to Heaven in disgust. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (under his breath) Of all the people to pick, it had to be this loser. This strikes a cord with Titan. TITAN Now, hold on. You're going a little too far. MASTER MIND I wish your mother said that to your father the night of your conception, they would have saved me a whole lot of heartache. TITAN Hey, I mean it. Master Mind gets right in his face. MASTER MIND Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? EXT. HAL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY We see Master Mind's body CRASH through the building and land in a DUMPSTER across the street. A car pulls up. The driver's door opens. Da Vinci gets out and runs to help his master. DA VINCI Master! MASTER MIND (O.S.) It hurts. Da Vinci peeks into the dumpster to see Master Mind's body cushioned by a stack of trash bags. DA VINCI What hurts? MASTER MIND It! The overly large henchmen starts to pull his master from the dumpster when they suddenly hear a voice from above. It's Titan peeking through the hole in his apartment wall. 79. TITAN I don't need you, I don't need anybody. I have the power to do and take anything I want. And now, I'm gonna take back everything this city owes me. Beware Metro City, it's time for Titan to collect. Titan shoots up into the air. TITAN (CONT'D) Oh, and from now on - I'M GONNA FLY THE WAY I WANT TO FLY! He takes a sitting position and flies away as if he were piloting an invisible jet. Master Mind climbs out of the dumpster and watches Titan disappear into the distance. DA VINCI How'd the plan go, boss? MASTER MIND I just made myself redundant, old friend. Da Vinci gives Master Mind a whiff. DA VINCI It's not that bad. INT. BANK - DAY Titan, with a happy bounce in his step, enters the bank. The last time he was here he thwarted a robbery. He looks nostalgic. A SECURITY GUARD shyly walks up to him like a kid meeting his TV idol. SECURITY GUARD Morning, Tighten. TITAN Morning. SECURITY GUARD Is there something we can do for you? 80. TITAN Oh, don't bother about me. I'm just here to make a withdrawal. Titan walks across the lobby, drawing stares of admiration from all. A little girl waves to him sweetly. He gives her a good- natured WINK as he heads straight for the vault. The security guard watches him enter and come out with a SACK OF CASH. Sure he must be misunderstanding what's going on, the security guard just stares at Titan as he passes by and out the door. The bank manager comes over to the guard. BANK MANAGER Say, did he just rob us? SECURITY GUARD Not sure. Sort of looks it, don't it? BANK MANAGER Yeah. SECURITY GUARD Should I, you know, stop him? BANK MANAGER Umm...Yeah. As the security guard exits the bank, the manager stares out the window. His eyes suddenly grow wide with terror. The guard's body suddenly smashes through the window, landing at the startled bank manager's feet. BANK MANAGER (CONT'D) (looking down at the guard) He did rob us, didn't he? CUT TO: TELEVISION "A Channel 7 News Special Report." Brad Helms wipes into view. 81. BRAD HELMS "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." When Lord Acton stated that, in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton in 1887, no one thought much about it, but today Metro City is reeling from that very prophecy. Tighten, who many thought of as our savior, has turned his back on the cause of justice. CUT TO: TITAN BEING EVIL - MONTAGE EXT. DIAMOND EXCHANGE - DAY Titan flies through the window of the building. He emerges seconds later laughing with his shirt full of booty. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY A woman screams from the window of a BURNING BUILDING. Titan flies up to her, grabs her fur coat and zooms off again, leaving the woman behind, slightly confused. EXT. OUTSIDE MARKET - DAY Titan steals a little boy's lollipop and gooses his mother. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Dozens of people run through the streets apparently to get out of a downpour. We cut to the top of a building and see Titan ZIPPING UP HIS PANTS and laughing. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - NIGHT Master Mind paces back and forth in front of Plato and Da Vinci. PLATO I don't understand it. He seemed to have every characteristic we were looking for in a superhero. MASTER MIND Well, there's no use crying about it now, we must take action. I'm not going to play second fiddle to that crass buffoon. We must destroy Tighten. 82. PLATO It won't be easy. Uberman had a sense of decency and genuine love for the people. That was his weakness and was easily used against him. MASTER MIND Yes, but he possesses the same flaws present in Uberman's DNA - copper. It's like Benjamin Franklin always said: "If something works don't dick with it." EXT. BAR - DAY It looks like a war zone passed through here. Smashed police cars and debris lay everywhere. This seems to be the only building left untouched. INT. BAR - DAY A very tipsy Titan is sitting at the bar, looking deep into the bottom of his beer glass for answers. TITAN I can have anything I want. I'm like a god. The BARTENDER just listens as he wipes down a glass with a dirty rag. TITAN Point to any woman in this bar. I could have her in a second. He follows the bartender's gaze to THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THERE - A passed out, MIDDLE AGED HAG OF A BARFLY. TITAN (to Old Barfly) Hey, you wanna get with this? BARTENDER Buddy, what do you want? Titan carefully considers this for a moment. TITAN What do you want? That's the question, isn't it. I mean, what do you want when you can have everything? (MORE) 83. TITAN(cont'd) I suppose what I really want is to never be forgotten again. I want to do something that can never be cast aside or one-upped. I want a - what's it called? - A legacy. I want a legacy. Yeah, that's it. I like the sound that. BARTENDER I meant, what do you want to drink? TITAN Oh. EXT. BAR - LATER Titan stumbles out of the bar, carrying a large sack of money. MASTER MIND (O.S.) Your time has come to an end, Titan! He looks up to see Master Mind suddenly standing before him. TITAN What? MASTER MIND There can be only one master criminal in this city - and it's me. TITAN Really? Titan melodramatically throws up his arms. TITAN (CONT'D) I guess I should leave town then, huh? MASTER MIND I have a better idea - NOW! Two floors up Da Vinci releases a rope. A COPPER CAGE, like the one that caged Uberman, drops down on top of Titan. Titan nonchalantly surveys the cage. He walks to the bars, tries to pull them apart but can't. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) That's copper my good man. Your one weakness. (MORE) 84. MASTER MIND(cont'd) For all your amazing gifts of brawn you are no match for my intellect. Titan thinks for a moment. Suddenly, he starts to SPIN like a human top, DRILLING HIMSELF INTO THE STREET BELOW. As he disappears beneath the surface, we see a shocked look on Master Mind's face until Titan suddenly explodes out from under the street in front of him. Master Mind stares up at him, dumbfounded. Titan makes like he's going to strike him down, but stops. TITAN You know what? You're nothing but a bug. Not even worth my effort. He turns his back to Master Mind and continues down the street. Plato makes his way from the shadows to join his master. They watch Titan shrink into the distance. MASTER MIND He's not as dumb as I thought. PLATO I guess not...Funny, though. MASTER MIND What's funny? PLATO Funny Uberman didn't think of the same thing. EXT. HIGH ABOVE METRO CITY - DAY As Titan flies, he looks down at the rooftops of the city below. Suddenly, something catches his attention. HAL That's it! He stops, hovering in place as he looks down below. The buildings, which make up the heart of downtown Metro, are in a PERFECT TRIANGLE with a long strip of street leading up to it. It sorta looks like a bowling lane. 85. HAL Hello, Legacy. EXT. KINGPIN BOWLING - DAY Vinnie and his goons come running out as the hear a COMMOTION. They look up to see Titan ripping off THE GIANT BOWLING BALL from the top of the establishment. VINNIE Hey, that's my ball! INT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Roxanne enters the building's elevator. Just before the door closes an ELDERLY WOMAN slides in. ELDERLY WOMAN That was a close one. Sixth floor, please. Roxanne smiles and goes to press the button. The elderly woman suddenly pulls out a SPRAY CAN, shooting a MYSTERIOUS-LOOKING MIST into Roxanne's face. She falls to the floor unconscious. INT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT - DAY Roxanne awakens, finding herself tied to a chair in her living room. We hear NOISE from a TV in the background as she tries to adjust her vision. Slowly, the blurry figure before her becomes clear. It's Master Mind. He sits on her Lazy-Boy, reading what looks to be some kind of JOURNAL. MASTER MIND Wow, I always thought Uberman was your first superhero - but it looks like our little Roxanne dated a linebacker in college. ROXANNE That's my diary. MASTER MIND So it is. 86. ROXANNE It's personal. MASTER MIND Well, then I wouldn't leave it in your underwear drawer for just anyone to find. He throws the diary over his shoulder. ROXANNE What do you want? MASTER MIND I need your help. ROXANNE So you knock me out and tie me to a chair? MASTER MIND You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you. As she tries to shake off her headache from being knocked unconscious, Roxanne spots something on the TV. ON TELEVISION Brad Helms is huddled behind a van. BRAD HELMS It's chaos here in city square as city police - Behind him, Titan picks up a POLICE CAR and throws it at a PADDY WAGON. Both vehicles EXPLODE on impact. BACK TO SCENE ROXANNE He's really out of control. MASTER MIND Tell me about it. As if finally realizing something, Roxanne looks back at Master Mind. ROXANNE I should have known. You have something to do with this, don't you? - With Titan turning evil. 87. MASTER MIND Well, the evil thing he did by himself. My goal was to give MYSELF purpose by creating an intellectual sparring partner. ROXANNE (confused) You're talking like you made him. MASTER MIND And they call me Master Mind. ROXANNE Let me get this straight. You missed getting your ass kicked, so you made a new guy to kick your ass. That's pathetic. MASTER MIND In hindsight... Roxanne turns back to the TV to see a group of POLICE OFFICERS open fire on Titan. The bullets just deflect off his chest. ROXANNE And his powers, they're just like Uberman's. Why would he have his powers? MASTER MIND (almost ashamed) I had some left over from something. I infused him with it. ROXANNE YOU DID WHAT!? Driven by rage, she struggles to tear out of her bonds. She finally relents, giving Master Mind a look fueled by pure hatred. MASTER MIND Yeah, that's why I decided to tie you up. ROXANNE You did all this because you wanted purpose? MASTER MIND He seemed nice. 88. TELEVISION Titan is standing on top of a destroyed police car. He waves for the camera to zoom in on him. TITAN Closer. I want to show the people my real face. He pulls off his mask, revealing himself as Hal Stewart to the public for the first time. TITAN (CONT'D) Recognize me? BACK TO SCENE ROXANNE Hal Stewart. He's the guy we thought saved that woman and kid. Turned out he was just trying to save his own ass. MASTER MIND Yeah, good to know - NOW! TELEVISION Titan throws the mask over this shoulder and hops off the car. TITAN That's right, I'm really Hal Stewart. Former hero and bowling teacher at Kingpin's Bowling. BACK TO SCENE Roxanne turns to Master Mind, condescending him with her eyes. ROXANNE You picked a bowler to give super powers to? MASTER MIND It's a modest profession! TELEVISION 89. TITAN With my new found power, I've recently started to wonder what sort of legacy I should leave. Should I be a hero? I tried that once before - even saved a lady and her baby from being squashed. I was treated like a god until everyone started to shit on me - Okay, so what if I didn't "purposely" save them! He walks over and puts his hand on a large circular concrete shape just off camera. TITAN Well, I'm going to make something that can't be taken away from me. I'm going to create a permanent monument to my greatness. One that won't be so easily forgotten or erased. The camera pulls back revealing THE GIANT CONCRETE BOWLING BALL from Kingpin's. TITAN I intend to create a new category in the Guinness Book of World's Records by rolling the biggest strike in the history of bowling. He grabs the camera and points it to the DOWNTOWN BUILDINGS. We realize they are PERFECTLY ALIGNED IN BOWLING PIN FORMATION. TITAN My thanks to the city planning commission. This wouldn't have been possible without them. Titan grabs the camera so it's pointing back at him again. TITAN Tell your friends and family to tune in right here to this station at noon tomorrow. BACK TO SCENE ROXANNE My god, he's nuts. That'll destroy the whole business triangle. 90. Master Mind seems to be contemplating something - something bad. ROXANNE What? MASTER MIND My lair is in the direct path of the ball. ROXANNE Oh, real nice. Wouldn't want anything to happen to your hideout, would we? MASTER MIND You don't understand. I have certain equipment that's - that's highly unstable. ROXANNE What do you mean? MASTER MIND I sort of have a hydrogen reactor, okay? ROXANNE A HYDROGEN reactor? MASTER MIND It's experimental - only one in the world...Well, how do you think I power all my inventions? Someone like me can't pay for electricity. The bills would be outrageous. ROXANNE A REACTOR? MASTER MIND It creates 100 times the output of a nuclear one...If destroyed it could... ROXANNE - Vaporize the entire city! MASTER MIND (proudly) Pshaw...the whole eastern seaboard, actually. That little baby is amazing. I'm quite proud of it. (MORE) 91. MASTER MIND(cont'd) (off her deadpan reaction) I mean...we'd better find a way to stop him. Master Mind thinks a moment. MASTER MIND Did Uberman have a hideout? ROXANNE What? MASTER MIND A cave, a solitary fortress of some kind. C'mon, all heros have a place to hang their capes up in. Roxanne, it may be our only chance to find something, a clue, anything that could give us a fighting chance. ROXANNE It's under his house. MASTER MIND Whose house? Roxanne can hardly believe what she's telling him. ROXANNE Wayne Scott's. Master Mind shoots up out of his chair. MASTER MIND Wayne Scott? Uberman was Wayne Scott!? Wayne Scott, the wealthy philanthropist? But he disappeared - ROXANNE (interrupting) He disappeared just over two months ago when you killed him. Not only did you rid the world of a hero, you killed a kind, noble, generous man. Perhaps ashamed, the super villain hangs his head. Master Mind walks behind Roxanne and undoes her bonds. Rubbing her wrists, she watches him as he walks over to the door. 92. ROXANNE (CONT'D) Looks like you got what you always wanted. Uberman is out of the picture and Metro City is doomed. He grabs the door knob and stops, considering her words. MASTER MIND "Metro City doomed." You know, I never thought I'd say something like this, but here it goes - He slowly turns to her, CUE HEROIC MUSIC. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Not if I have anything to say about it. EXT. WAYNE SCOTT'S MANSION - NIGHT Master Mind stands before the huge, Gothic structure in awe. MASTER MIND Such a dark place for one such as you. I wonder, underneath your noble deeds, what inner demons drove you to your endless crusade for justice? He walks to the front entrance. The double doors have been sealed shut with boards and nails. Master Mind begins to tear them off with his metal hand. INT. WAYNE SCOTT'S MANSION - NIGHT The doors opens. A beam of moonlight immediately pierces the darkness, forming an illuminated path into the heart of the manor. Master Mind enters. Covered in dust and cobwebs, the hall looks like a gigantic crypt. MASTER MIND Good lord, man. You've only been dead for two months. Master Mind walks, coming to a gigantic painted PORTRAIT OF WAYNE SCOTT. He stops to reverently admire the image of his fallen foe. 93. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) A disguise so simple, it's ingenious. No wonder I never caught on. Besides the Armani suit, there's nothing to hide the fact that this is the same person as Uberman. In the picture, he's even standing in the same cheesy, heroic pose with his fists on his hips. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Two lives, yet in both you were an ideal. Perhaps it was you who was victorious in the end, old friend. A BONGING sound suddenly bellows through the dark halls. Master Mind comes to a grandfather clock standing next to a gigantic BOOKCASE. On the twelfth bong it falls silent. Master Mind begins to slide it across the floor until he hears a loud CLICK. The bookcase slides into the wall, REVEALING A HIDDEN PASSAGE. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) I'll miss how predictable you were. The passage way leads Master Mind to a WORKING ESCALATOR. Master Mind gets off the escalator to see a long hallway with stone walls. He begins to hear strange SOUNDS, almost like MUFFLED SCREAMS, coming from a doorway at the end of the hallway. Master Mind starts walking towards it. As he steps closer, he begins to notice a light cracking through the bottom of the door. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Hello? Anyone here...besides..all the BIG MEN who are with me now? Nothing. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (to himself) What's the worst you're gonna find? (MORE) 94. MASTER MIND(cont'd) The man was a boy scout, not a serial killer. He opens the door to his immediate amazement. It's some kind of screening room. A PROJECTOR shoots an image onto A DIRTY WHITE SCREEN hanging on the wall. BEER CANS litter the floor; a table in front of a ripped-up couch is covered in discarded snack goods; and a Kiss Pinball machine stands in the far corner next to a CLOSED DOOR. Master Mind turns his attention to the action on the screen. SCREEN A woman dressed in a leather DOMINATRIX OUTFIT is whipping an overweight man lying on a swing-like device with his butt sticking out. DOMINATRIX IN FILM YOU ARE A WORM! She whips him three times. The man CRIES out in pain. FAT MAN IN FILM PINEAPPLE!!! PINEAPPLE!!! Master Mind's eyes are transfixed on the disturbing imagery. The door by the pinball machine suddenly swings open. WAYNE SCOTT, dressed in raggedy sweats, steps into the room carrying a CAN OF BEER and a bowl of JIFFY-POP. Master Mind cannot believe his horrified eyes. MASTER MIND Ahhhhhh! Wayne Scott is just as startled. WAYNE SCOTT Jesus! He drop his drink and snack to the floor. The two men stare at each other as they struggle to regain their normal breathing patterns. Wayne Scott walks over to the couch, brushes off a thick layer of chip crumbs, and sits down. WAYNE SCOTT (CONT'D) What the hell are you doing here? 95. MASTER MIND I might just ask you the same question. I had thought I incinerated you. WAYNE SCOTT You scared the bejesus out of me. How'd you figure out I was still alive? Wait, how do you know my identity!? MASTER MIND Roxanne told me. As for your ruse, I forgot to line the bottom of the copper cage - Somebody pointed that out to me recently. Figured if they could do it, so could you. But one thing I couldn't figure out - WAYNE SCOTT The skeleton? Something I "borrowed" from a medical school a few months before. MASTER MIND A few months? How long had you been planning this? WAYNE SCOTT I always planned to retire - eventually. I mean, come on, you can't do this sort of thing in your fifties. You'd just look ridiculous. The pieces of the puzzle appear to be coming together in Master Mind's head. MASTER MIND I see it all so clearly now. INT. MASTER MIND'S HYDROFOIL - FLASHBACK Master Mind and his minions cover their eyes as the observatory explodes. MASTER MIND (CONT'D - V.O.) You must have done it just seconds before the observatory exploded. 96. INT. OBSERVATORY - FLASHBACK Similar to what Titan did, Uberman bores out from under the cage. MASTER MIND (CONT'D - V.O.) You bore out from under the cage. Then, using your Uber-Speed, - EXT. OBSERVATORY - FLASHBACK Running in a blur-like haze, Uberman screeches to a halt in front of some bushes. MASTER MIND (CONT'D - V.O.) - you made your way to safety, where you had the skeleton safely hidden away somewhere. EXT OBSERVATORY - SKY - DAY Uberman soars high above the clouds. He looks down at the observatory, which is a mere speck in the distance. MASTER MIND (CONT'D - V.O) (CONT'D) Then you must have flown to a safe distance and waited for the explosion, then... Just as the observatory explodes Uberman aims and throws the SKELETON like a javelin. It soars through the air like a missile, tearing through the flames of the explosion, and crashing right into the windshield of Master Mind's hydrofoil. END OF FLASHBACK Wayne stares at Master Mind, clearly impressed. WAYNE Man, you ARE smart. MASTER MIND But why fake your death? Why go through all of it? You could have just quit. WAYNE SCOTT But the responsibility would still be there. (MORE) 97. WAYNE SCOTT(cont'd) A cop can retire and stop handing out speeding tickets - but people expect more from superheroes. I tell you, a volcano couldn't erupt in Zimbabwe without everyone expecting me to do something about it. I figured, out of sight, out of mind. MASTER MIND And Wayne Scott? Why did he have to disappear? WAYNE SCOTT Both of my lives have so much baggage. It's time for new baggage, you know? Master Mind's is absolutely flabbergasted. MASTER MIND I just can't believe it. This whole time you've been in hiding while a force of great evil is tearing your city apart? Wayne rises to his feet, waving his hands for Master Mind to say no more. WAYNE SCOTT I don't want to hear about it. That's why I don't have a television in here to remind me of all the things I SHOULD be doing. Hell, I could get a wife to do that. MASTER MIND There's a demented supervillain out there about to destroy our - I mean, your city. Wayne shrugs indifferently. MASTER MIND You're really going to do nothing? WAYNE SCOTT Good and evil have a way of balancing themselves out. If this guy is as bad as you say, somebody will rise up to fight him. It's just the order of things. You found me, didn't you? 98. Wayne puts a condescending hand on Master Mind's shoulder. WAYNE SCOTT (CONT'D) I know it's hard, but you'll find someone else someday. He then starts walking to the door. MASTER MIND You're the only one who can stop him. Wayne turns around. WAYNE SCOTT Couldn't if I wanted to. Gotta a plane to catch. MASTER MIND A plane? WAYNE SCOTT Going to Barbados for a little change in climate. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go pack. He reads the still defeated look on Master Mind's face. WAYNE SCOTT (CONT'D) You were a good foe. I'm sorry if I've let you down. If it makes a difference, you were the best foe a hero could ask for. MASTER MIND Not smart enough to come up with a full-proof trap. WAYNE SCOTT Well, you did almost have me when you figured out my weakness was copper. Now that made me sweat a little. Took me way too long to drill out from under that cage. MASTER MIND I got lucky. WAYNE SCOTT Anyway, it's a good thing for my sake that I could always count on you for an out. 99. MASTER MIND (suddenly confused) What do you mean? WAYNE SCOTT C'mon, we always threw each other a couple of bones. You would always leave me an out in one of your `full-proof' traps, and I'd never had you incarcerated at a penitentiary that you couldn't eventually escape from. It kept our little game going. Master Mind seems deflated. MASTER MIND Game? - Was that all this ever was to you? You know, I was trying my best every time I fought you. Those `outs' as you call them were unintentional. WAYNE SCOTT Oh. MASTER MIND I guess I was never really a match for you, was I? Wayne shrugs. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (thoughtfully) Then how can I expect to be one for Titan? A beaten man, Master Mind heads for the door, but stops and turns around. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) What about Roxanne? Wayne unleashes an exhausted sigh. WAYNE SCOTT I think we both got what we wanted out of our relationship. She got a career out of me, and I got plenty of other things out of her. But I'm ready to move on to greener pastures. 100. Master Mind's steel hand clinches into a fist at his side. Wayne's oblivious to this. MASTER MIND I guess I wasn't the villain I thought I was, and you...you weren't the hero I thought you were. He turns to make his exit when he suddenly sees ROXANNE STANDING IN THE DOOR FRAME. Wayne is almost at a loss for words. WAYNE SCOTT Roxanne! How long have you been... ROXANNE Long enough. Roxanne looks at Master Mind. ROXANNE (CONT'D) Don't you have something else you can go do? Master Mind leaves Roxanne and Wayne facing each other in silence. EXT. ANOTHER BAR - DAY Titan emerges with Brad and Frank. He's holding a BEER CAN and a bag of PORK RINDS. TITAN Alright, I want this whole thing to look ESPN professional, understand? A distant MECHANIZED RUMBLE can be heard. The noise rises, signaling the approach of something powerful. Titan and his crew walk out to the center of the plaza as the sound becomes almost deafening. A TANK TRACK as it moves over the street. We PULL BACK to see a whole line of TANKS rolling along the street. PLAZA From the five streets branching off the plaza, a dozen tanks roll toward Titan. 101. Titan turns to Brad and Frank. TITAN (CONT'D) You guys are about to get some good footage. I might need a little room, though. Brad and Frank look at each other and run to take cover behind a nearby building. Meanwhile, Titan nonchalantly sips from his beer as the tanks begin to surround them. FEEDBACK belts out of one of the tank's loudspeaker's, causing Titan to do a mock wince. TANK LOUDSPEAKER Titan, we have orders from the city of Metro to take you into custody. If you do not give your self up willingly, we will be forced to open fire. There's a long pause as no one says anything. TANK LOUDSPEAKER What is your answer? Titan takes a sip of his beverage and UNLEASHES A GIGANTIC BURP - The shockwave of which sends several of the tanks flying into a nearby building. Two of the remaining tanks close in on the villain. Both have him dead to rights at point-blank range with their massive guns. Titan sets down his beer, then calmly plugs a fist into each barrel. They FIRE. The FORCE OF THE BLAST SENDS THEM BOTH FLYING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS where they CRASH into nearby buildings. Titan bends down and pick his beet back up. TITAN (to beer) Miss me? Titan is suddenly bombarded by a massive barrage of machine- gun fire. The force sends him flying into the windshield of a nearby car. 102. He looks up to see an APACHE ASSAULT COPTER. It's nose- mounted GATLING-GUN is turning toward him. Titan gets up to his feet and looks down at his beer can. The bottom of it was blown apart in the blast. TITAN (CONT'D) Didn't mean to get you involved in all of this. He stared daggers up at the helicopter pilot just as the gun gets a bead on him. TITAN (CONT'D) Hey, man! You killed my suds! Titan throws the can up and slaps it with the palm of his hand. It flies with so much force it knocks the helicopter blade clean off. The rest of the Apache crashes to the street like a car dropped off a building. TITAN (CONT'D) That's one was for you, beer. Titan salutes the wreckage and walks away to find Brad and Frank still hiding behind the building. TITAN Guys, please tell me you got that last bit. BRAD HELMS Huh? TITAN You're kidding me. I give you my sexiest moves and you mean to tell me it was for nothing? BRAD HELMS We were afraid something might hit us. TITAN Looks like I've given the story of the century to the wrong man. He thinks about this for a moment, then it hits him. 103. TITAN Wait. What about that other reporter. Blond. Not so lumpy on the topper half, but killer legs. BRAD HELMS Roxanne. You want Roxanne. She's a much better reporter than I am. You want her. TITAN Where can I find her. FRANK We're actually not supposed to give out that sort of information. BRAD HELMS 1314 Mockingbird Lane. I believe she lives in a penthouse. TITAN You've been very helpful. He tosses Brad over his shoulder like a discarded ice cream cone. In the faint distance we see him splash down in the middle of the Metro City river. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - DAY Master Mind, pacing anxiously as Plato and Da Vinci pack boxes. Obviously Master Mind is going on the lamb. MASTER MIND Hurry, we must be on our way as soon as possible. DA VINCI Master, why must we flee? MASTER MIND I told you, Titan is too powerful. If he's set on destroying us, there's precious little we could do about it. DA VINCI Where are we going? 104. MASTER MIND To another city, someplace with a shitload of superheroes to fight. We'll start over, we'll go back to doing what we do best. PLATO With our tails between our legs? The old Master Mind would never have let this comment slip by, but as we have seen, he's not the same man. MASTER MIND Plato, do you have a better plan?! Master Mind's cell phone rings. He turns in shame from his men and answers it. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Hello...Roxanne? INT. ROXANNE'S APARTMENT Roxanne paces back and forth on the phone. ROXANNE What are you going to do about Tighten? INTERCUT between Master Mind and Roxanne on phone. MASTER MIND Right now I'm packing, later I'll have a snack on the train. ROXANNE You're running away? MASTER MIND In a word - yes. ROXANNE You created this monster... MASTER MIND I didn't create this - the god's of irony did and I am eating the crow I so richly deserve. ROXANNE There's no time for self pity. 105. MASTER MIND I'll make the time. Roxanne can't believe what she's hearing. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) You can leave with us. You'll be safe. ROXANNE I'm not going anywhere. MASTER MIND Will you listen to me, no one can stop him. ROXANNE You have to try. The city needs your help. MASTER MIND I'm afraid you have an inflated opinion of me. ROXANNE What the hell's happened to you? The Master Mind I knew would never have run from a fight even though he knew deep in his heart that he didn't have a chance in hell of winning it. It was your best quality. You need to be that man right now...I... MASTER MIND What? ROXANNE (heart felt) I believe in you. Master Mind is taken aback, in a good way. But he catches himself before the words swell his heart. MASTER MIND Sweet words, but that man is dead. Please, Roxanne, just come with me. ROXANNE No...I guess you are a coward after all. Suddenly, there's a loud crash. 106. Roxanne looks up to see a huge hunk of her ceiling has been completely ripped off. Titan is flying above, holding the debris as casually as if it were a paper plate at a barbecue. He looks down at her and smiles. TITAN Man, have I got a story for you. Master Mind can hears Titan's familiar laugh from his side of the line. MASTER MIND Roxanne? Roxanne? EXT. KINGPIN BOWLING - DAY Titan is standing in front of the bowling alley, trying to decide on an appropriate pose for the occasion. TITAN What pose would be best? The corny folded arms thing? He demonstrates, arching his chin proudly in the air. TITAN Or maybe on the hips, like this. It's the classic Superman pose, only not as masculine. TITAN No, makes me look like a flamer pirate. As Titan starts to fix his hair in the window, Frank pretends to fix the lens on his camera as he speaks to Roxanne. FRANK (whispering) Shouldn't we be making a run for it right about now? ROXANNE (whispering) The guy can outrun bullets. I don't think either one of us is in that kind of shape. TITAN She's right, Frank. 107. Frank looks up, stunned that Titan could have possibly heard him. TITAN Also got super hearing. I promise not to keep the both of you long, but you'll thank me when this is all over. Frank and Roxanne exchange helpless expressions. INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - DAY Master Mind reverently stares up at the painted portrait of his father. MASTER MIND Dad, it's me... (he looks around to make sure no one can hear) ...Bubsy. I know we haven't talked in a while, and I'm sorry. It's been a little crazy trying to live up to a legacy. The painting's menacing stare seems to reach into his very soul. MASTER MIND Anyway...You raised me to be the worst that I could possibly be. And I've tried to live up to that as best as I could - even dropping out of dentistry school like you wanted me to. But I'm about to do something now that would really piss you off. I'm going to go against everything you ever taught me. I hope...I hope that maybe you'll look down at what I'm about to do as not so much a good deed, but more like the outright defiance of a hateful and ungrateful, son. If you could do that, then maybe - in your own little way - you could - for probably the first time - find a reason to be proud of me. He looks back up at the picture. Is it our imagination, or does the painting's stare suddenly seem even angrier? 108. MASTER MIND Well...either way, you're probably going to see me real soon. (calling over his shoulder) Men? Plato and Da Vinci suddenly stop what they're doing and look up at him. PLATO AND DA VINCI Yes Sir? MASTER MIND Stop packing. Our work is not finished here. PLATO AND DA VINCI YES SIR! TELEVISION A news report shows an aerial shot of Titan setting the giant ball down in the middle of a vacant city street. REPORTER We interrupt your regular afternoon programming to show you live footage of a potential dangerous situation in downtown Metro. The former hero knows as Titan is placing what appears to be a giant ball... INT. ABANDONED METRO CITY LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Da Vinci stops in front of a television set, seeing the news report in progress. REPORTER Hold on...It appears our own Roxanne Ritchi is somehow at the scene. We now go to her with a live report. DA VINCI Sir, I think you should see this! CUT TO: 109. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Roxanne is standing in front of a camera with a mike in her hand. ROXANNE I'm here with the cause of the destruction in Metro City. He has kidnapped me and a cameraman to chronicle what he refers to as the creation of a monument to his invincibility and overall "Asskickiness." He will use this giant concrete bowling ball to play the largest game of bowling ever using the buildings of downtown Metro City as his pins. Titan suddenly steps into the shot. TITAN And I'm going for the biggest strike ever. He leans into the camera. TITAN And you, Metro City, have a ringside seat as I cement my name in the anal of history. ROXANNE Annals. TITAN What? ROXANNE Nevermind. EXT. CITY STREET - MOMENTS LATER Titan holds up the massive bowling ball, lining up his shot. TITAN (in quiet professional bowler announcer voice) Like Tiger before him, a young savior has come to raise a sport from the ashes. Rookie Hal Stewart, a young man with a dream, realizing that dream here today, folks. (MORE) 110. TITAN(cont'd) One might click there heels and say "There's no place like home" upon finding themselves in such a fantasy. Well, Hal looks very much at home right were he is - with a ball in hand and glory in his sights. INT. METRO CITY LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS In the bowels of Master Mind's hideout, the HYDROGEN REACTOR glows and HUMS MENACINGLY. BACK TO SCENE Roxanne just stand helpless as Frank films away. ROXANNE Hal, I know everyone treated you like shit, but you don't have to do this. TITAN You're right. I don't HAVE to do anything. Isn't that cool? Titan lines up his shot. TITAN Here's one for the record books! Titan flies a few feet and rolls the ball down the main street. ROXANNE Her face is utter horror as she watches the inevitable destruction of Metro City. As the ball rolls - it demolishes everything in it's wake; cars, street lamps - windows shatter as the giant concrete sphere brushes along side buildings. TITAN He smiles in anticipation and uses "body English" to direct the ball. GIANT BOWLING BALL POV It's nearly halfway to its target. ROXANNE 111. She closes her eyes. Titan's smile fades. He looks around as if he hears something we don't. About two hundred feet in front of the first building a GIANT SPIDER WEB flies across the path of the ball, creating a defensive barrier. An enormous letter "M" is etched in the web's center. TITAN (CONT'D) What the...? The ball breaks through the web, but it's speed is greatly reduced. FRANK Look, what's that flying in the air? We suddenly see MASTER MIND FLYING OVER THE ROLLING BALL IN A JET PACK. He quickly pulls out his goo gun and starts laying down a path of sticky plasm to stop the destructive sphere's path. MASTER MIND C'mon, slow down Master Mind looks down to see the meter of the gun close to empty. MASTER MIND C'mon. The ball slows drastically then starts rolling to the side. It heads off an embankment and rolls harmlessly into a CANAL. MASTER MIND Gutterball! TITAN He's furious to say the least. TITAN YOU! Master Mind gives him a mocking grin. MASTER MIND Bowling? What other trailer park sports can you play? 112. TITAN You are becoming a real pain in my ass. I should have done this a long time ago. Titan lunges at his tormentor. Master Mind hits the BOOSTER on his jet pack and heads back toward the other side of the city with Titan in hot pursuit. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) (into walkie talkie) Plato, Da Vinci. Secure Roxanne, he's falling for it. ELSEWHERE A flustered Titan lands. He begins searching the city streets, but Master Mind is nowhere in sight. He turns upon hearing an EEKING sound to his left. Sitting on the ground is a CHIMPANZEE wearing a strange collar. It smiles at him. TITAN What the hell? From behind, Titan is immediately set upon by five more RADIO CONTROLLED APES. TITAN (CONT'D) GODAMNIT! The critters bite hop and hit Titan. As soon as he throws one off two more jump him. Titan breaks free and with his mighty breath blows them across the street into a fruit stand. With Titan out of their sight they begin to attack the fruit. MASTER MIND He's a block away frantically hitting his remote. MASTER MIND Shit! Stupid monkeys and their fruit. Titan flies away from the mad monkeys and lands to find Master Mind sitting on the ground wrapped in a long cape with only his head sticking out. 113. TITAN (CONT'D) No more games. Titan FIRES HIS LASER VISION AT MASTER MIND's CHEST. Master Mind pulls the cloak away to reveal a FIRE HYDRANT. Titan's EYE LASERS burn through the hydrant releasing a high pressure stream of water. Master Mind uses the last remote which dumps two tons of CEMENT mix into the truck. The crowd, police and news crews move in closer when Titan doesn't emerge. Master Mind drops his last remote and walks toward the truck cautiously. MASTER MIND Could it really be that easy-- - BOOM - The back of the truck explodes, throwing dust and concrete everywhere. When the dust clears we see and enraged Titan. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) Didn't think so. As the villain walks toward him, he pulls back his fist to give Master Mind the killing blow. TITAN If you don't mind, I'm going to punch trough your face now. Preparing himself for the end, Master Mind shuts his eyes as a SUDDEN GUST OF WIND BEGINS TO PICK UP. AS Titan goes to strike, a BLURRY FIGURE RUNS IN AND SNATCHES MASTER MIND OUT OF THE AWAY. Stunned, Master Mind begins to feel around his body as if to make sure everything's still in place. MASTER MIND I'm alive. He turns to see UBERMAN standing next to him. MASTER MIND Uberman? 114. The terrified bystanders start to notice the figure standing next to Master Mind. BYSTANDER 1 It's Uberman! BYSTANDER 2 Uberman's alive! BYSTANDER 3 We're saved! As the CROWD CHEERS, A confused Master Mind turns to Metro City's newly resurrected champion. MASTER MIND I thought. UBERMAN So did I. He puts a hand on Master Mind's shoulder. UBERMAN Thank you, old enemy. MASTER MIND For what? UBERMAN Showing me the error of my ways, Showing me I'm meant to be this city's savior, showing me that, while we can try, there is no running away from our true destiny. With that, UBERMAN IS STRICKEN BY A LASER BLAST, INSTANTLY TURNING HIM INTO A CHARRED HUMAN SKELETON. Master Mind turns to see Titan smiling with his STILL SMOKING EYES. TITAN Oh...Did I interrupt something? Master Mind turns to run, but, suddenly Titan is before him. TITAN Where you going, buddy? Titan grabs Master Mind by the collar and throws him across the street into a parked car. 115. TITAN (CONT'D) Welcome to Paintown. Population: you. Master Mind manages to stand on shaky legs. He seems in a daze, unable to move. Titan flies up in the air. TITAN (CONT'D) Time to finish this. With his fist front and center, Titan speeds toward Master Mind. He's like a human torpedo, coming in for the killing blow. Master Mind comes to his senses and puts up his hands. MASTER MIND WAIT!!! Titan screeches to a halt and stops just in front of him like an old Warner Bros cartoon. TITAN What? MASTER MIND Quick joke - What's the capital of Thailand? TITAN Huh - I don't know. MASTER MIND It's bang cock! In a sudden surge of strength, MASTER MIND PUNCHES TITAN IN THE GROIN. The once mighty man instantly drops to his knees, searching, with tears in his eyes, for the proper word to express the pain suddenly surging through his member. TITAN (CONT'D) Ow. Baffled, he looks up at Master Mind's hand and sees his gauntlet is now made ENTIRELY OUT OF COPPER. MASTER MIND So, I guess pennies are good for something. 116. He punches Titan in the face, knocking him out cold. Master Mind looks down on Titan with more than a little pride. Suddenly he hears something behind him. He spins to see the crowd making a strange noise - APPLAUSE. Roxanne comes up to him. The crowd starts to go wild and cheers for Master Mind. He's not sure what to make of it. ROXANNE Pretty strange, huh? MASTER MIND They're cheering for me. ROXANNE You saved them. You saved everybody. How's it feel? Master Mind looks at the smiles all around him. He begins to well up a little. MASTER MIND It's a...it's nice, you know? I usually don't get a lot of feedback. (whispering) But I also kind of caused all this. What happens when they find that out I was the cause of some of this? Roxanne looks at the cheering crowd, then back at Master Mind. ROXANNE What they don't know won't hurt them. MASTER MIND I guess that is all in the past. ROXANNE You're the hero. MASTER MIND I don't think I'd go that far...I mean I just...er... ROXANNE Master Mind? 117. MASTER MIND Yes? ROXANNE Stop talking. She kisses him. The crowd erupts in a cheer. TELEVISION The channel 7 he channel 7 logo zooms in followed by the title "Eye on Metro City." A picture of Master Mind smiling appears on the screen behind her. SAMANTHA SUMMERS Who's bad? Well, not Master Mind. It seems the former villain has done a career 180 after defeating Tighten and saving Metro City from certain enslavement. And here he is getting a full pardon by Metro City's Mayor, Steve Dent. Cut to ceremony on capital steps. The MAYOR is shaking Master Mind's metal gauntlet when it suddenly STARTS TO CRUSH HIS HAND. MAYOR Ahhh! Secret service men quickly start to draw their weapons and take aim at Master Mind. Realizing what's happening, he quickly lets the mayor's hand go and puts his arms in the air. MASTER MIND Sorry - Metal hand. Force of habit. He elbows the mayor. MASTER MIND (CONT'D) We're okay, right? Wincing, the mayor signals the men to put their guns down. WE CUT to video of Titan behind bars in a regular prison. 118. BRAD HELMS And what about Tighten? Is there a prison in existence that can hold this super powered menace? Well, the answer we found is no. A man in a white lab coat stands in front of Titan's cell just out of reach. PRISON SCIENTIST Of course normally he could break out of there anytime, but as you can see we've taken some special precautions. The news camera pans over see Titan in his cell wearing a copper JOCK STRAP with electrical cables hooked to it. Back to Samantha at the desk. BRAD HELMS What is a Hero? It seems never has that question needed to be asked more than it does tonight. We go to our very own Roxanne Ritchi, making her triumphant return to our news desk for the answer. Brad turns. The camera pans over to Roxanne who we now see has been sitting beside him. ROXANNE What is a hero? Well, there are many different kinds. There are those who hear a call, like the policeman or doctor, then there's the kind the public creates in their search for meaning and hope. Then, there are those who have the courage to change. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT A woman is being chased by two large thugs. They're gaining on her. She comes to a brick wall - a dead end. The thugs laugh. THUG #1 Hey, gimme that purse? 119. MASTER MIND (O.S) I don't think it would go with your outfit. The thugs turn around to see Master Mind, standing with his arms folded across his chest. THUG #2 It's Master Mind! Thug #1 draws a knife. THUG #1 So? It's not like he has any superpowers. Thug #1 puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles. Suddenly two more Thugs appear behind Master Mind. MASTER MIND I'm gonna give you a chance to surrender. THUG #1 Four against one. For a Master Mind, you're really bad at math. Master Mind throws a hand signal up in the air. Suddenly a giant robotic foot crashes down on the two men behind him. Thug #1 and Thug #2 drop their knives and raise their hands in the air. Master Mind looks up and waves. MASTER MIND Way to take out those two goons, guys! We see Da Vinci and Plato at the wheel of a gigantic robot. DA VINCI What two goons? The giant robot lifts its foot to check the bottom of it's sole. It KNOCKS OVER WATER TOWER in the process. The woman looks at Master Mind, horrified. 120. MASTER MIND (apologetically) Sorry, we're new at this. THE END
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rprokap / EntremanureOnce upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END
Swoffa / SublimeKickAssemblerC64Sublime Package for C64 development with Kick Assembler.
